Commitment: What does it mean to you?

I was driving down the road this morning when I had an 'aha!' moment about commitment. I had been thinking about different definitions and examples of commitment, and how problems can arise when you commit to something, but you're not on the same page as whomever you made that commitment to.

When I commit myself to my goals, I pick and choose. I don't deeply commit to everything, because then I'd be overwhelmed. But when I find a worthy goal of pouring my heart and soul into, I do it. Using the bed & breakfast as an example, I'm so committed I have already started purchasing art for my home... when I don't even have the land or the architect yet! I have been monitoring my credit for the last year, checking my score periodically and working to improve it. Lately, I've had any changes to my report/score sent to my email immediately, because I'm looking at purchasing soon, and updates are a much more pressing concern now.

As an example of a goal I haven't completely committed to, let's use my weight loss goal. I want to achieve my goal weight this year, which is about five pounds down from where I'm at currently. So far this year, I've attended one or two yoga classes, and not done anything else remotely resembling exercise. It is an important goal to me, but not one I'm putting the energy toward quite yet.

When I commit to doing something for someone else, the same rules apply. I keep secrets, I follow-through, and I show up when I say I will. When I commit, I keep those promises.

When I commit to a partner, I'm there. Body, mind, heart, soul - all that. A relationship commitment means that you are important to me and if I don't show you that every day, then I am failing. A relationship commitment is a commitment to meet your partner's needs, to constantly aim for growth, and to strive to make them happy - not just a commitment to keep your hands to yourself.

Thinking back over my dating experiences, I can see where my definition of commitment has varied from that of the men I've dated. I had one man who, after two dates with me, sent a text message to ask if I was interested in a relationship with him. To discuss commitment in such a casual way indicates that he has a different definition there than I do. I had another gentleman friend who tried to woo me with gifts - including a large tv - but wasn't committed to meeting my need for open, honest conversation. I therefore chose not to commit to him. Yet another suitor indicated a desire for a relationship with me, but sent all my calls to voicemail until he was in bed for the evening, because he wasn't ready to truly commit and tell his friends and roommates he was seeing someone.

Commitment. It's something to be done loudly and proudly. Commitment is an honorable thing. It's also important to make sure you know how your definition of commitment relates to that of your conversation partner. As my wise daddy always told me, "Agreements prevent disagreements."

xo!

Tips to strengthen intimacy

Intimacy is the bond that holds a couple together. It's the friendship, the raw emotion shared, the future goals, and the connection you share. It's also something I've always struggled with - whether I'm not opening up enough, or whether I feel like I'm being shut out, intimacy always starts to wither.

Here are a five things I've discovered to help rekindle that bond.

1. Regular date nights.
   This is one we've all heard repeatedly. You need to take time together on a regular basis to cultivate your relationship. I suggest if you're living together, a minimum of one date night per week. If you're not, you need at least two. A relationship cannot thrive if there is a lack of communication and quality time. Set aside time for each other, because you're worth it!
   
   Something that I've always maintained is that watching movies together on the couch may be a date, but it's not quality time. I recently realized that's not necessarily true. To me, quality time is all about bonding - not just sharing a common experience. Giving your partner a head massage, or foot massage, or doing something that involves focusing even a small amount of your energy and attention onto them is still quality time, where holding hands on the couch isn't (to me). 

The Five Basic Needs

Years ago, I subscribed to a few relationship newsletters. Most of them I ignore now, since I haven't unsubscribed, but a few of them I do open up and read. A lot of them are trying to get you to buy their book, or their system, or check out something new and exciting. But occasionally, I'll find a diamond in the rough.

Today was one of them. The subject of the email was "5 reasons why I hate my wife." Certainly got my attention. It opened with a letter from a man talking about how upset he was because his wife wasn't meeting five particular needs, and then went a little more in depth about those particular needs and how they're the five most important for a man.

According to the email, they are:

1. Words of affirmation and praise
2. A sense of being respected
3. The feeling that he is being listened to and heard
4. Physical touch (affection rather than sex)
5. Intimacy and bonding

I was intrigued. I would say respect and being listened to are two of the most important things to me. I've always felt like I reason more like a man. I never used to think with emotions. Part of it was my upbringing, but I've always been super logical. Tests aren't hard - I either know the material or I don't. I'm not a big worrier and never have been. Things changed a few years ago when the dynamic in my relationship changed, and I started becoming a little more emotionally charged. Even so, I still feel like this list applies to me whole-heartedly. 

If I don't feel respected, it breaks the bond of friendship for me. It's impossible for me to maintain any relationship if there's not respect in the room. If I am not being listened to, I start to act like a crazy person. I act out in order to bring attention to those things that have been bothering me. I crave intimacy - not just the between-the-sheets kind, though there's really no substitute for that, but the raw sharing of feelings and dreams that strengthens that bond. Physical touch and words of affirmation are like icing on the cake for me. I love and need to feel adored every once in a while, but without that deep friendship and respect, I don't feel flowery words are meaningful. 

I don't think this is too far off from the list of five most women would compile. What do you think, ladies? What are your most important needs to have met in a relationship?