My favorite poem

I was reminded of this poem tonight, watching my favorite teacher of all-time receive the Excellent Educator award. He mentioned, when talking about the lesson he wished to leave with everyone, that his class was going over Rudyard Kipling's poem If in class not too long ago.

It was exactly what I needed to hear tonight.


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! 


Congratulations, Mr. Brown. When I look back on my education, you are the one person that made the biggest difference. You are an amazing person and an amazing educator, and I can think of no one who deserves that award more than you. 

Congratulations, little sister!

I am so glad to be home.

Little sister got married on Saturday. The fifteenth - just a few days ago. Up in Alaska. Outside. In December. We had tons of family in from out of town, and one of our German foreign exchange students from high school came over with her mom. The last week has been a total blur of family, new faces, stress, and general ridiculousness.

That's not to say it wasn't enjoyable! The wedding was gorgeous and I couldn't be happier for Sister and her new hubster. Welcome to the family, y'all.

Since I know all you really care about are the photos  -

Me! Preparing to stand in the cold. 

Beautiful little sister, pre-wedding. 

Little sister and her new hubster. Congrats!! 

They're off to Dubai for their sunny honeymoon, where they will doubtless have lots of relaxing and fun while I'm back to the daily grind here. I came home to 60 hours at work this week. This is me thrilled.

I'm officially the only sibling who hasn't been married yet, so I guess the pressure's on! Thank you to everyone who joined our family to celebrate this weekend.

xo

July 101 update

Progress:

• donated some rice. 18,000+ grains, to be more specific. 
• read nine(ish) books. I lost track. I'm at 42 down, in case I lose track again next month. 
• visited another northwest state! I spent some time with my dear Erika in Seattle on Sunday. 

I didn't cross any off completely, because I sometimes fail at life. However, I feel like maybe this month is the month to change that and perhaps stop failing. 

Actually, I'm not super bummed about it. Hard to be The World's Most Productive Person when you have family in town for ten days and then Grandpa dies. I'm not sweating it. 

In other news, I have a year membership at my favorite Bikram studio now. Maybe that means I'll get skinny soon. I just have to get off my lazy ass and do something about it. 

In August, I will:

• make my first student loan payment in six years
• start reading a book in German
• read another 6+ books
• donate 50K+ grains of rice
• lose another 5 lbs. 

and then some. Wish me luck!!

xoxo

Grandpa Jer is gone.

Wednesday, I bought a ticket home for next week. I called and told him to hang in there - that I was coming.

Tonight, I got the call from Mom that he's gone. I know the last week has been a huge downhill slide, and there's no way to really have known when he would go. According to the doctors, he should have had another month and a half at least.

Cancer is a bitch. I'm glad I was able to chat with him this week and tell him I loved him, and I know that he loved me too. Now it looks like I'll be heading up this week to start attending to service plans rather than spending time with him.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. Grandpa Jer might have lived a wonderful, full 79 years, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Another dream, and a sad day.

Monday morning, I had another dream about him. The atheist with a Bible verse tattoo. A weird dream. Sunday afternoon, I went down to Tucson for work. They got me a hotel room that was intended to be shared, so I ended up with a room meant for two people. As I was drifting off, I remembered that the last time I had a hotel room that wasn't for business, or that I wasn't sharing with several other people, was when Kyle and I were in Nashville.

And then I dreamt. I don't remember the details anymore, but it was almost cathartic. Not that day - that day I just missed him. But today has lent me a new perspective.

On a completely unrelated note, I woke up this morning to a phone call from my mother. Jerry, someone who has been like a grandfather to me since I was in elementary school, was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. He has been given three to six months to live.

I'm in the process of planning a trip home now, trying to come to terms with the fact that it will likely be the last time I see him. He won't be there for my wedding. He won't be there for my sister's wedding this winter. He likely won't paint any more. There won't be any more get-togethers at his house on New Year's Day for black-eyed peas and cornbread.

His left lung has a tumor the size of an orange and growing. He has lived a wonderful and rewarding 79 years. Life hasn't always been kind to him, and he hasn't always been kind to his body, so I think he's come to terms with things a lot easier than the rest of us.

It seems like there's been so much grieving lately. So much loss. I'm not ready for this.

My mom rocks!

Mom and I were chatting about the upcoming semester earlier today, and I mentioned that I needed to order my textbooks while I'm here, so they're ready to go by the time school starts on the 5th. (Ew. Way too early.)

So I get online in the library at home and went to town, adding everything to my cart. I go to check-out, and Mom says she'll pay for my books for me! Holy cow. Eight textbooks later, I am so grateful to my awesome mama! She saved me SO much money. Merry Christmas to me!

She also called earlier and made me a massage appointment and a chiropractic adjustment appointment for tomorrow afternoon. Super excited! I haven't had a real massage since April or May, and I'm long overdue for one. Did I mention my mama rocks?

I started re-packing my suitcase tonight, and at the bottom, I have my nice new Jack LaLane juicer tucked in to the corner. Yay for having parents that overspend and then are unhappy with the results! I'm so glad they like their blender much more than the juicer and that they never use said juicer. Juice cleanse, here I come!

Dad and I went out to dinner last night at Bombay Deluxe. Of course, no trip there is complete without hair in the naan, and we weren't disappointed. But the food was delicious, as expected! We ran into Matt's parents (Sara's new fiance's family) while we were there, which was a nice surprise... after I got past the initial surprise at "Oh hi; you must be Brianna!" from a complete stranger.

And with a belly full of Indian food leftovers and a heart still elated because Prince Charming called tonight, I bid you adieu! I'm super sleepy and have a lot to do tomorrow. Ciao!!

365 questions: 161 - 175

161. If today was the last day of your life, would you want to do what you are about to do today?  I just finished up Christmas dinner with the family, and I'm about to head downstairs to watch a movie with Mom. So sure, I guess. I've gotten to spend some awesome quality time with my mama today. 

162. If today was the last day of your life, who would you call and what would you tell them?  I'd call Prince Charming, thank him again for being so amazing, and say the L-word (for real, this time).  And if I was away from home, I'd call my mama and tell her I love her. 

163. Who do you dream about? Sadly, I almost never remember my dreams.  

164. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind?  The future. I am mildly terrified of being forced into the adult world. 

165. What are you looking forward to?  New Year's Eve and my parents' anniversary. New Years' Day and seeing Prince Charming again. <3 And in the not-so-near future, graduation!! 

166. What is the number one thing you want to accomplish before you die?  Visit all seven continents. It's my life goal. 

167. When is love a weakness?  When it holds you back from anything, or stops you from accomplishing your goals. 

168. What has been the most terrifying moment of your life thus far?  Probably having The Conversation with Prince Charming. I've never opened myself up for failure and rejection the way I did that night, and I was absolutely petrified. 

169. Who is the strongest person you know?  Probably Kris. She is a warrior. She has triumphed through emotional and physical pain and come out on top. She truly is an inspiration to me. 

170. If you could take a single photograph of your life, what would it look like?  It would be bright and smiley. It might be a snapshot of my hike with Prince Charming a few weeks back, when we stopped for lunch. The weather was perfect, and we were stretched out on our backs seeing what we could make of the rock formations around us. 

171. Is the reward worth the risk?  Depends on the situation. If it's something you're passionate about, almost always. 

172. For you personally, what makes today worth living?  It's Christmas! I spent some wonderful time with family, read sweet things from Prince Charming, and snuggled with the puppies. 

173. What have you done in the last year that makes you proud?  Stuck up for myself. Left an awful and toxic relationship. 

174. What did you learn recently that changed the way you live?  I learned good-paying jobs are hard to come by. I was shown how important residual income truly is. And I learned how wonderful apathy can be. 

175. What is your fondest memory from the past three years?  I think the fondest and most terrifying might be the same. The night of The Conversation, and Mark's reaction. He couldn't have been more perfect and I want to smile and cry every time I think about it.  

Highlights of 2011

January: No real highlights. The most memorable moment would be Kyle storming into my office to scream at me, and the subsequent blowout / breakup.

February: California trip! Being skinnier than I have been in 7+ years.

March: Starting my 101 list, and meeting two of my very best friends!

April: My daddy coming to visit. Moving in with said new best friends. Starting my own business!

May: Another California trip, this one with my sister. Meeting Sam! <3 The heart-to-heart with Ryan in some seedy little Carlsbad bar.

June: Buying my ticket to Europe. My birthday! An Alaska trip.

July: July 4th week. Hollywood with Ryan. The beach with Ryan. Leaving for Europe!

August: Austria. Innsbruck. Meeting Andy.

September: Finally having the cajones to stand up for myself. And a new job!

October:  Asking Prince Charming out on a date.

November: Our first date. Candice's wedding. Thanksgiving. <3

December: Turning my ring around. Saying the L-word. And in four more days, I'll be headed back to Alaska again for a white Christmas!

Another overwhelming day.

Yesterday was the start of my mole scare which scares me more the more I think about it. I wonder how long I've had that mole there. I haven't ever peeked between my toes for moles. This whole thing is really unnerving.

Today, Mom and I placed an order with Jackie and then headed back up the hill so Mom and Dad could sign the closing paperwork for Billie & Wally's house.

OMG. I am surprised I didn't start bawling like a baby. That was such an emotional experience.

Billie and Wally were like grandparents to me growing up. They are 83 and 88, and we moved into the neighborhood right when their kids were old enough to be out of the house, but not old enough to have made babies yet. Sara and I used to go over to their house weekly for tea parties, where Wally would make spice cake. He is the one that dad gets his "When I want cake, I want all I want" comment from. We had gone over there one day when Wally was supposedly on a diet, and apparently he didn't take too kindly to being reminded of that.

Billie had her first stroke back in 2004. I was in high school, and remember going to visit her in the hospital. It had happened when they were at the car wash. It was a large stroke, but she was able to regain most of the function to that side, and even was walking again.

In the summer of 2006, she had another one. A massive one. She was even in a coma for four days. Since then, she hasn't recovered. It broke my heart seeing her today in her bed, where she is confined because she isn't able to get up and move around the house. She isn't even able to swallow foods, so she is fed through a tube. After nearly five years, her family finally acquiesced to her requests for water out of a sippy cup, so that is the only thing she can have in her mouth.

So she's obviously doing poorly. Wally is walking around like normal - he has some balance issues so he uses his walker if he's going to head down the hallway or something, but he can walk around the room just fine. But he has Parkinson's and can't even sign his name anymore. Heather had to hold his hand/wrist and help him sign the closing documents for the house today.

As we were getting ready to leave, I stood up next to the bed and gave Billie a hug. I told her that if I'm home for Christmas, I will stop by again and see her. She got really emotional and asked if I would really do that. She said she would like that. How can that not affect you? So of course I promised that not only will I see her if I'm home, but that I will come home and see her. I also made a mental note to send her letters/cards much more often. She is still able to see fine, so I know she would appreciate that.

She mentioned how rough it was emotionally for them to finally be selling the house, and reminded me of memories we shared there. Mom walked out of the room crying at least once. It was just a really overwhelming time for everyone, I think.

On the bright side, I had a pre-birthday dinner tonight at Benihana with Mom. Dad is off on his way up to Dawson, with Harry. I sat next to two VPs who are up here expanding their petroleum company. One is from Australia and the other is from Ireland. They bought me a glass of wine and said if they'd known earlier that it was my birthday, they would have bought another bottle to share. They were super nice, and the Irish one was super cute. The Australian one has his degree in "Maths," so we had plenty to chat about. A wonderful, relaxing end to the evening.

I have a nail appointment tomorrow morning, I'm meeting Brady for lunch, and then have a vag doctor appointment, so I should head to bed. I leave tomorrow evening, so it's a busy day for me!

I sound like an alcoholic.

I promise I'm not. And this won't help, but...

Short overview of my trip so far:
- Monday: flight got in late. Went home, read a book until 6:30.
- Tuesday: dentist appointment. Went to Moose's Tooth with Nat for lunch, and spent the rest of the day with her.
- Wednesday: slept in! Made dinner. Mike picked me up after dinner and we went to Moose's Tooth again. Filled two growlers and took 'em back to his hot tub. Hot tubbed until 4AM with Brendon and Jessie, and then he took me home.
- Thursday: appointment with Dr. Boyce. I still have a watch on my upper eye teeth, but my lower grafts are all looking great. I got my new driver's license! Went to REI and picked out some new trail runners. Then went to dinner at Aladdin's!! Ended the evening helping Irene move some things back to her parents' house, and then we went out to Crush.
- Friday: eye doctor appointment in the morning. Met dad at the AT&T store so he could transfer service to my new phone. Then headed to the eye doctor with Mom to finish picking out my super cute new glasses. Went to REI together and she paid for my new shoes that I had on hold, as well as some other random goodies! We had lunch at Middle Way Cafe, and then I headed off to my hair appointment. I chopped off about 8 inches! We had dinner at Taco King, and then I picked up Kamil to head down to the bars for a night of drunken debauchery around 10PM.
- Saturday: woke up. Found my car had been towed. Picked it up and went to the Farmer's Market with Mom. Had lunch with Mom at the new bread place she likes (House of Bread, I think). Stopped by TMS to see if they had any good t-shirts for Dad for Father's Day. (That was a negative.) Hung out at the house until I left to go to Palmer. Cooked dinner and had a lingerie party!
- Sunday: worked on a scrapbooking page of Nat and I when we were little. Hung out and watched a movie downstairs with Mom & Dad in the evening. Lazy day. It was pretty nice.
- Monday: dermatologist appointment this morning. I have a mole that needs to be removed asap, so I got to call around in the Phoenix area for derms. Went over to Jackie's house to pick up a Mary Kay order, but she wasn't around. Dropped off pants for alterations. Went to Sam's for lunch and spent time with Michael and Jocelyn! Michael claimed he remembered me. Sam's cooking was delish. And Jojo was a blast to spend time with, as always. We had dinner at Grandma's as a family tonight. I sat where Sara usually does, which was a little weird.

And now I'm home, relaxing again for the evening! I think Mom and I are going to go back to Jackie's in the morning to check out what she has, and then we're going to West at 11 so Mom can run with her running group and I can break in my trail runners.

I found out at my appointment this morning that I've gained 8 lbs. since I've been home. HOLY COW! I am so embarrassed. I also am a little nervous about this mole business - especially since Derek hasn't even been gone a month, and his initial diagnosis was melanoma.

I wanted to get my little trip synopsis out, and am a little overwhelmed with everything that happened today, so this seemed like a good time. Tony recommended a good derm to me earlier, so I have another call to make tomorrow. I try not to worry, but I just feel like nothing good is going to come of this. It did teach me an important lesson, though! I didn't even know I had a mole between my toes. Mole checks are super important!

And with that, I'm off to bed. It's been a long and overwhelming day.

I may or may not still be drunk.

Ho. Lee. Shit.

Last night was amazing.

Went down to Taco King for dinner with Mom & Dad. Mom and I shared a chicken king burrito. Yummy! I think that's the first time I've gotten anything other than their veggie burrito.

Anyway. Went back up to the house. Changed, got the car, and headed off to pick up Kamil. Got to his house around 10. Put the top down and away we went to The Pioneer! I pulled up and got a rockin' parking spot at the corner of 4th and H, like 15 feet away from the bar entrance. The guy checking IDs at the door was a Dimond grad. Automatically, it's feeling a little homey.

Sit down at the bar. Kamil gets a trashcan (holy cow. Good stuff. Don't drink more than one), and I stuck with my standard gin and grapefruit. We waited for a pool table to open up, and sucked down a few drinks in the meantime. I won the first game when Alyse shot the 8 ball in. I won the second one when Kamil shot the 8 ball in. I think he won the third.

Left there and headed across the street to The Anchor. Super busy. I had to pee, so I disappeared into the bathroom, and apparently rather than meeting back up with Kamil and Alyse when I got out, I headed straight for the bar. Sat down between two strange men who I guess paid for a drink for me, and chatted for a bit. Kamil finally spotted me and we meandered away to do some dirty dancing with Alyse and the man she had eyes for.

Then I remember hailing a cab to go back to Kamil's house. And puking on his front lawn, next to the motorhome, after we got there. We went around back and used his awesome private entry rather than storming through the house like loud, crazy, drunk people. I woke up with my bra and panties on. Good sign! haha We snuggled. He totally ignored that I had drooled all over his pillow. Winner! Apparently black-out-drunk me turned him down last night. We chatted, laughed - it was super awesome.

Apparently I had dumped both of my contacts in one side of one of his cases. I'm a weirdo. Got dressed (I managed to leave my clothes all over the room, so that was an exciting ordeal), put the contacts back in, snuck out the back door while Kamil went to go tell his mom that he was going back to the bar. I guess Kamil is taking over Konrad's room for the next little while since their family has guests coming into town and Kamil's room has the private entry. Konrad made a comment about how Kamil had better "not bring back any bitches from the bar" while he is staying in Konrad's room. Hilarious! Kamil said he'd never brought a girl back to his parents' house from the bar before (I was the first. Lucky me), so Konrad's comment was perfectly timed. Made all the better because I was stealthily sneaking around the side of the house and the motorhome so no one inside would see me.

Anyway. Get down to the downtown area, and we start seeing road closures. Kamil said that I had apparently parked in an area that had a sign saying something along the lines of "No parking after 5AM Saturday, June 18th." Awesome. Then we start noticing that the roads are clear. Curious. Looks like the tow trucks have cleaned the place out. So we park next to Orso's and walk over to where the car used to be. It's definitely not there. Cool beans! I stopped and asked a cop which tow company to get ahold of, and he rattled off the police non-emergency number, since there were apparently several companies that were out there this morning. Called it twice. It rang forever with no answer.

We decided to go get breakfast instead. Hopped in the truck and headed back to midtown-ish when Kamil remembered Snow City. So we obviously had to turn around and head there. Found a parking spot on the street behind Simon's and wandered around. The wait at Snow City was about an hour, so we promptly turned around and went to head down to the Farmer's Market. We passed a lot that had a tow sign so for the hell of it, I called the number on there. And since I have such awesome luck, it was the same place that had towed the Beater this morning! The woman said the guys would be back at their lot in about half an hour, so we skipped the farmer's market and headed down to the tow lot instead.

As we drove up, Kamil started laughing and pointed out a yellow Camaro that was parked about halfway back in the lot. Apparently that guy had also left his car downtown last night. And I guess there was some story surrounding the car that I totally don't remember. There was a car pulling up right around the same time the wreckers got there. One of the drivers asked which cars were ours, and the guy that had just gotten there was the proud owner of the yellow Camaro. Hilarity.

Fucking amazing. What a shit show. $180 bar tab and a $255 impound fee to get my car back, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Also, I chopped off about 8 inches of hair yesterday.

Before:

Ignore the fat arm. I can't manage to do the self-portrait thing without getting it in there. 

And after:

Ahh! I love it! I am about to hop in the shower and wash it for the first time. I'm sure it will feel super weird. That's always the part that takes the most getting used to after a haircut - for me at least. 

And so I'm off! I'm heading out to Tim's parents' house in Palmer for the evening. Natelie and I are having a lingerie party, since Mike is housesitting for them. I promised I'd make chicken kiev for dinner, so I should probably head off and get myself ready. :)

I'm home!!

Back in rainy Anchorage, where it is currently 51 degrees. I had a big, long blog post that I wrote on the plane on Monday, but my computer keeps registering a DNS error when I try to plug in the ethernet cord here at the house, so I guess that one will have to wait.

My flight got in a little later than expected Monday night, so I didn't get home until just before midnight. I had sat in the very back row (29A) on the flight up from Seattle and since I was right in front of the bathrooms, it smelled like urine the entire time. Rather than moving, I passed out and slept for three hours. So conveniently I wasn't tired when I got home. I picked up a book - Girls Night - off the shelf in the library, and didn't put it down until I finished it at 6:30... AM. I slept for about an hour and a half, until I had to get up and shower before my dentist appointment. Total blast, btw. Great way to kick off my vacation - at the dentist.

Chatted a bit with Donna while she cleaned my teeth. Got one of those crazy panoramic, let-the-robot-go-around-your-head shots done. I have a small defect in a tooth, but she said that's probably always been there and they are just now noticing it because of the "coffee stain" I had. Red wine, coffee - same thing! Either way, she said it's not anything to worry about.

Got out of there without paying anything. Guess they're billing Mom - or since Mom's appointment was the next day, they were holding it for her. Not sure which, but I didn't complain. Touched up my makeup in the bathroom there, since I had woken up too late to finish it before I left the house. Then I got a text from Nat saying she was going to be a while, so I headed back to the house to grab a jacket and something else warm since it was raining outside. Went back down to Sadler's to wait for Nat before we headed to Moose's Tooth. The only "oldies" at Sadler's are up in Sleep Central now. I guess Ed moved to Texas. I spent a little time with Judy and Bernard, caught up on the goings-on of the old Sadler's employees, and was told how glad Judy was that I kicked that "selfish" jerk to the curb. (Her words.) Went to MT. Had some apple ale. Delish!

Then we went to The Look. Picked up some lingerie for Nat for Saturday's party, and giggled at everything they had upstairs. Headed next door to Great Harvest, and obviously got some samples. Headed back down to the Dimond Center. Stopped at the liquor store to take a peek around, and at Michael's to get some yarn for Nat and scrapbooking supplies for me. We're going to make some scrapbooking pages on Sunday of the two of us. Poked around the Dimond Center for a bit. Headed across the street and stopped in at David's Bridal and Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Finished up the evening at A&W, with a half-gallon of root beer. What a wonderful day!

I will update on the rest of my days later! I might not get to them as soon as I'd like, but I will get it all down eventually. I have to be up in six hours for my eye doctor's appointment. Off to get some beauty rest!