In my absence...

Whoops! Spring break is supposed to be a time of great relaxation and fun times, right? Apparently not to this girl. I've spent the last two weeks working 70+ hours while still trying to stay sane, not letting Raj (who I'm considering renaming Destructo) miss me too much, and making time for the important people in my life. That left approximately zero down time for me.

I did cross off another goal a few days ago. A woman on a message board I used to frequent 2+ years ago had a granddaughter pass away last week. The family was unprepared for the funeral expenses, so I contributed toward that as my random act of kindness. I've made some pretty good progress with my goals so far this month that I'm excited to announce in another week or two.

It's also been a bit emotional for me, this last week or two. I've been doing a lot of introspection, a lot of soul-searching, and taking a lot of bubble baths with a book and a glass of bubbly. Later this week, I have to pack up some furniture that belonged to my bff's grandmother who passed away earlier this year. Priscilla had a home down here, and since none of the family lives in Arizona, I've been put in charge of arranging for the shipping of household goods and heirlooms.

The cleaners come a week from today, and I have been cleaning house in preparation. Like that makes a whole lot of sense. I'm really relieved to have someone take over and deep clean so I don't have to, but that hasn't cut down my stress level.

The last day I had off was February 7th. I've been going, going, going like crazy every day since then and I think I'm just getting worn down. Between my special needs clients and the client that thinks they can ask the world of me, I am completely drained. I had really been looking forward to next Saturday, because I was taking the day off to go to the Renaissance Fair, but now it looks like I have a tutoring client that morning, a shoot in the late morning, and we might end up not going to the Fair afterall.

I've seen a correlation lately between not making time for myself and bad things happening in my life. Last time I went on vacation, I came home to something wonderful. When I stop going to yoga and life gets really hectic, things rarely work in my favor.

I'm taking a stand today to make more time for myself. Even if it means going to bed earlier so I can go to the 5:30/6AM yoga class during the week, I think I can sacrifice a little sleep to get in some good meditation and me-time.

I've been focusing so much lately on the tangible - working to pay off my credit card, pay down my loans, save up for a down payment on property - that I've neglected the last goal for myself this year. Cultivate love, even for myself. There is a fine line in love between working hard to accomplish your goals and taking care of yourself. I love that sense of accomplishment that comes from crossing a new goal off my list, or seeing my credit score jump 30 points because I've paid down my balance, or seeing a growing number in the bank. Those things are so rewarding for me. But sometimes the greatest reward is giving yourself a break.

Are you taking enough me-time?

A day of rest.

In the last seventeen days, I have had one day off - Christmas Day. In that time, I have worked over 135 hours at my regular job, and worked more than 15 hours with tutoring clients. 150 hours in the last seventeen days.

I'm ready for a break.

Tomorrow, I have no tutoring clients. I don't have to go into work. I am taking a whole day for myself - sleeping in, going to yoga, cleaning my house, reading one of the (ten) new books I got at the library today, and going out to dinner. I have a million and one errands I need to run and things I need to do since I haven't had the chance lately, but those can wait.

Tomorrow, I'm following my goals this year and loving myself. I'm going to study for my TWP exams at work, because I could use the cash to pay down my student loans and up my chances for a better home loan rate. I'm going to clean my house, because it is overwhelming to come home after a long day's work to clutter. I'm going to sleep in, and read, and go to yoga because those are all things I enjoy, and I never get to do anymore.

Maybe I'll even cook. Or vacuum. Or get the paperwork completed that I need to do. But I'm not going to worry about any of those things because I come first. Not my tasks or responsibilities, but taking care of my health and emotions. And quite frankly, I need to be coddled.

Don't forget to take a "me day" every once in a while! Don't neglect the most important person in your life.

xo!

Admitting your failings

I did something Saturday night that was hard for me. It was emotional and embarrassing, and I cried a little. But at the same time, I loved it.

You know that liberating feeling you get from being heart-wrenchingly honest? That's how I still feel. Sometimes we just need to sit down and be brutally honest with one another. We admit our faults, we apologize, and we know that things are going to be okay.

I've been struggling unknowingly with a grossly inappropriate communication faux-paus for most of my adult life. I was raised to feel like that was normal, and I actually came to the conclusion that it wasn't one night about a month ago. I was driving down the road, bawling, and called my sister. I remember the first words out of my mouth - "Do you feel like you were emotionally stunted because...?" She has a much better grasp on her emotions than I do, apparently, and was thankfully able to calm me down.

I have been unintentionally hurting someone for years because of said faux paus, and I finally sat down and apologized for it on Saturday. I explained where I was coming from, took responsibility, said I'm embarrassed, and I'm sad, and I'm sorry.

And things were fine. The world didn't end. I wasn't wrapped up in a hug (because I really didn't deserve one). I wasn't struck by lightning. But I had peace.

For years and years and years, getting an apology from me was like pulling teeth. I thought apologizing meant admitting you're wrong, and I am never wrong. I'd put up a good fight before I would apologize. But I've done it a lot more lately, and I kinda like it.

When I was in Prague, staying at a hostel, the little kitchen area had only a small fridge. I had gotten a few cartons of yogurt for breakfast, and was keeping them in there. But the hotplate in the kitchen happened to be situated on or very near the top of this itty bitty fridge. There were two boys in there making something on the stove, and I said "Excuse me; sorry" when I needed to get into the fridge. And then again later, to get into the fridge again. One of them said something silly about how I apologized too much, and that it was unnecessary.

But I disagree. I'm sorry for inconveniencing people. I'm sorry I've hurt others' feelings. I'm sorry I haven't been who I think I should be, and sometimes I'm sorry I haven't lived up to the expectations of others.

Most of all, I'm sorry I haven't apologized more. I'm sorry I have let my pride get in my own way. I'm sorry I've used apologies as weapons or incentives, or done anything other than offer them when they were needed.

So, as one of the ways I am inviting love into my life in the coming year, I will apologize more often. It's liberating. And getting over my pride doesn't make things worse. It makes them okay. Sometimes even better. It brings me peace.

And if there's one thing I need a shitload more of, it's peace.


xo!

2012 in review

Last year, I posted this:



I resolve to accomplish the following five things from my 101 list:

• Complete a half-marathon.
• Complete a 5-day juice cleanse. (I will be starting January 2nd)
• Achieve my goal weight (125 lbs.) and maintain it to the end of the year.
• Acquire 75 customer points.
• Write to Billie and Wally once per month.

And things that are not on my 101 list:

• I resolve to fit in my new turquoise Banana Republic dress by Mark's brother's wedding in February. 
• I resolve to make more of an effort to keep a spotless house. 
• I resolve to go 30 days with no alcohol. 
• I resolve to apply 100% of myself to my schoolwork. 
• I resolve to keep a journal of thanks, updated daily. 

And of those ten things (why in the world would I make ten resolutions?!), I completed a juice cleanse, I wore the turquoise dress in February, and I'm proud of my house right now. And, while I didn't achieve my goal weight yet, the scale tipped at 129.8 this morning, so I'm not complaining. That's more than 30 lbs. down this year. Thirty. Wow. 

This coming year, I resolve to: 

• Achieve my goal weight (125 lbs.) 
• Purchase land
• Finish my 101 list with 75% completion (let's be honest - I don't think I'm going to get all the way there. I have less than 30 goals completed currently.) 
• Buy a wine fridge! 
• Cultivate love. Loving myself, loving my family, partner, friends - I feel like I've been so wrapped up in stresses lately that I haven't had time for love. And that needs to change. 

I'm only going with five this time, so I have more of a chance to succeed. Plus, I have all the rest of my 101 list to work on! I'm going to be a busy little bee in 2013. 

xo!

One year from now.

It was recently suggested to me that I have a discussion about where things will be one year down the road.

And it got me thinking. Every year has brought about so much change, I never could have predicted where I'd be the year prior.

August 2007 - Kyle and I were dating, long-distance. I went to visit and meet his parents for the first time.

August 2008 - We moved down here to Arizona and got our first apartment together. Neither of us had even been to the state.

August 2009 - He deployed to Afghanistan during my first week of school. I didn't know how to process any of it, because we had less than one week's notice.

August 2010 - We were having horrible difficulties readjusting to him being home, and fought like cats & dogs. I kicked him out of the house a month later.

August 2011 - I came home from Europe a huge cow - a trip I had planned because we broke up a few months prior. He came over the night after I got home with dinner and a few bottles of wine, and got so drunk he slept in the tub.

August 2012 - We got back together again after one fantastic night of stir-fry and sex, because we both felt like we were coming home.


Right now, I'm working a job I mostly hate, making dirt. In one year, I hope to:

• have completed my 101 list,
• own land,
• be self-employed - or at least minimally employed by my current employer, and 
• just generally be more in control of my life. Actually look like I'm 25 and going somewhere, rather than 24 and working retail.