Reminiscing.

I had something all typed up and almost ready to post, and then changed my mind and decided to do some reminiscing instead.

One of my favorite guys deployed last weekend. Mike, someone who has been in my life since my Broadway Kids days, is off to Afghanistan. He's been a dear friend for nearly as long as I can remember. He was my first love, my "boyfriend" in 8th grade. The first guy I held hands with. The one I was too shy to kiss. The guy that gave me the teddy bears I still have sitting in my room at my parents' house. Someone that I've stayed close with through the years. I went to visit him my first year away from home, when I was going to school in Idaho. I remember a big fight Kyle and I had on New Year's Eve, the first year we lived together. Mike was the one who talked me through it. When I drove up to the airport to pick up Kyle when he got back in town, Mike was on the phone with me. Last February when I was going through a rough time, I picked up and drove out to Oceanside. Mike was the one I stayed with. The one who re-instilled my faith in men. I saw him when I was in Oceanside again in July. And I'm a huge asshole and stood him up for his birthday when I was in SD in December.

Anyway. He means the world to me. His little brother calls me "sis." I call his mom "Mom." And now he's gone to the sandbox. It isn't a big deal to me in the "omg we talk so often and now we can't and I miss him terribly" sense, because we don't. We've chatted maybe once or twice since my trip out there in December. Maybe. But the facebook posts from his girlfriend and his mom these last few days, coupled with the photos, threw me back to August 2009.

I found myself messaging Whitney, Mike's girlfriend. She's having a hard time (duh.) so I offered an ear when she needs one, and sent her a link to MSOS - the forum I spent way too much time on from the day Kyle was recalled until... well, I still do. Less than ten minutes later, I had a response. She doesn't know what to say. How to work through her emotions. How to make this easier on the both of them.

So I talked about our deployment. How she shouldn't bother hiding her emotions from him to make things "easier" for him, because he's going to figure it out anyway. So if she has a bad day, let him know. I found myself back in the old apartment - in the tub with a glass of wine in one hand, my notebook propped up on my knees, and a pen in my right, bawling my eyes out and writing Kyle a letter. I was back at Wells Fargo when I was working nights - walking out of the computer room, taking a left at the end of the hallway to go home, wiping away tears because I missed him so much. I was lying in bed on the phone with him at 3AM. I was in the kitchen making no-bake cookies to send out in a care package. I was at Costco trying not to buy everything there to send to him. I was driving home - in the car just south of the 60 on Mill, when he called. One of the first calls of the deployment. I was so upset about something, and he was apologizing. I was back in the Computer Commons, sitting in my BME200 class - totally ignoring the professor, talking to Kyle on GChat because it's one of the few times we were online together. I was back in Alaska, sitting on the couch of some place I was house-sitting, talking to Jenn about how I didn't want to lose him. I was down at the pool when my phone rang with an 808-number. I answered, but apparently the call didn't go through properly on his end. I could hear him on the satellite phone asking someone he must have been standing next to how long it was supposed to take to connect, or if it was working, because he couldn't hear anything. Sobbing into the phone, saying his name, hoping it would miraculously work. I was in the laundry room, sitting there with my laptop trying to get wireless before I left for work, because I knew he'd be getting up soon and I wanted to talk to him for just a few minutes.

When I think of deployment, that's what I think of. The morning after the huge helicopter crash at his base, when I was at work, but Tami let me talk to him on my cell phone for nearly 30 minutes. That awful night sobbing in the tub because of something his mother had either said or done. Being told that he had downloaded Outlook onto his laptop so he could save my emails to read and re-read them when they went into River City. Hearing him say he woke up early every morning hoping to find an email from me, and how much it made his day when there was one.

It was far from perfect, but maybe that's the beauty of deployment - you remember and cherish the good times so much more, and let the bad ones go.

And so, in a 'round-about way, that's what I told her. That deployment will bring them so much closer together and even though it doesn't seem like it now, she will some day cherish, or at least appreciate, this experience. Because as challenging as the distance and communication issues are, deployments are such a rewarding experience for a relationship.

To Whitney and Mike, and every other couple going through a deployment - don't be afraid to share that you had a bad day. Lean on each other. Laugh together, cry together, and enjoy the ways in which deployment changes your relationship. Apologize when you need to, and start and end every conversation with love. Not only does a deployment shape where you are going as a couple; it also molds you as an individual. Make it an experience that you will look back on fondly.

Hero worship.

I saw a thread today that was posted by a guy, upset that his wife doesn't worship the ground he walks on just because he's a service member. It prompted a discussion about heroes, definitions of heroes, and a lot of great comments were made.

Being my "hero" means being there for me, through everything that life is going to throw our way. It means supporting each other through ups and downs, it means me never having to worry about my heart because I know you won't ever hurt it. 
- Sarah

My advice to you... is to treat her with the utmost respect, appreciation, and integrity that you want her to treat you with. That's all it takes to be a hero. Be a man that is worth wanting. Be a man that makes her happy, that makes her smile when she's having a hard day, that holds her when she shows weakness despite a tough exterior, be the man that she wants to tell everything to, be her best friend.
- Sarah 

My husband is my hero when he lets me go to bed early and takes care of the kids for me, empties the dishwasher when I know he hates to, cooks dinner before I get home, stops at the store for milk cause he knows we're out. When he takes my side in irrational and illogical arguements with my mother. When he get gas in the car b/c it's cold or snowing. When he stands up for me. I could go on and on, and I can tell you, his service is at the bottom of the list.


You probably are your wife's hero, and it probably has nothing to do with the uniform. Let the rest of America put you on a pedastal. In fact, you can stand up next to your wife on it. But, when you're at home, let her reasons for you being a hero, be between you and her.


My husband walks next to me, not in front of me. Our fingers are intertwined when we hold hands. He may be taller, but he's never looked down on me. We compliment each in every way. If you are trying to be her hero, you are going to make it seem like you're trying to be above her. Love doesn't need a hero, it needs a partnership.
- MissQ

It just brought back all the "fighting for your freedom" arguments and the different expectations I feel like Kyle had for me. His ex-wife was super moto. She had a USMC blanket embroidered with her name. As I was once quoted saying, she held a special place in her heart, and her vagina, for the Marines. The guy she left Kyle for was a Marine, I think. Some kind of service member, anyway.

It wasn't a big deal when we started dating, because he was so close to getting out. But when he was recalled, I definitely remember a lot of confusion. Like the second tattoo he wanted so badly. I totally got the first one (his James 15:13 dogtags), and I think it's an awesome tat. But he also wanted an "old-school" EGA. I didn't understand why he wanted a "job logo" tattooed on himself. How he mailed me an "I love my Marine" pin for my purse because he wanted me to show other people how proud I was of him. How astonished and almost elated he was when I asked for an old blouse for my purse.

I feel like this face is pretty representative of the way things were. It was my face when he would get upset about me claiming he wasn't fighting for my freedoms. It was his face when I would make a stupid comment about the military, not knowing how something worked.

Anyway. Point being, a uniform does not a hero make. Everyone has different definitions of what a hero is, and even whether or not their partner should be their hero. I agree with the last quote I mentioned. I used to feel like people looked down on me because I would freely admit that Kyle was not my hero.

I don't know why all that matters, or even why I mention it, but that thread got my mind rambling earlier, and that photo makes me giggle, so there you have it all.

I'm reading a new book, so I'll leave you with photo four. Raj says hi. <3

xoxo!

I have a love/hate relationship with Jon Lajoie.

His music is hysterical, but also gets stuck in your head SO easily... and it's not exactly socially acceptable to walk around singing "Show me your genitals."

Day 2:

Yay math homework. Some of the ladies on a forum I'm on are doing a themed photo of the day for February. Yesterday's was words... and this is my quasi-contribution. They're the shortened versions of word problems. Yes, I am taking Mathematical Structures. And yes, I think it kinda sucks.

In other news, today was the last day of my four-week bootcamp. I was really looking forward to being weighed/taped... until I was weighed and taped. I lost no weight, and no inches. Like, zero difference. I wasn't really surprised when I saw that I hadn't lost weight since I assumed I'd probably gain muscle, but not to lose inches was a huge surprise and a disappointment. I'm still waiting to get rid of this enormous ass I gained in Europe. I was counting on boot camp and running to do that for me so I could fit into my dress for Michael's wedding... and as of several days ago, it fits much better in the waist but the hips are still WAY too tight. Total let-down.


Boo for periods. I was really enjoying the whole non-existent period thing for the last several months. Until this morning, that is. I woke up miserable, not wanting to go to boot camp. I'm sure that's why my measurements "haven't changed," since I'm so bloated and feel disgusting. I guess I'll have to break out my own measuring tape and tape myself in a few days.

And since I should probably head out and start doing something productive with my day, I'll leave you with this. Kyle apologized this morning but apparently doesn't read his text messages before he sends them.

Day three:

xoxo!

My bad.

I'm really good at the whole disappearing and leaving my blog behind thing. Sorry.

A few things I've been working on lately:

• My credit report. Getting everything in order, that is. The ex is in escrow on a home and isn't able to close with a VA loan (0% down) unless we get this ridiculous former apartment complex crap off our credit reports. I've been writing nasty letters, poring over paperwork, making phone calls, and doing my legal research. In other news, that also means I bought a month of Experian's three-credit-bureau monitoring. And my high credit score right now is 722. Not bad for having a sizable debt in collections!

• FreeRice. Not quite as much as I'd like, but I donated over 50,000 grains last month. And speaking of FreeRice...

They're doing a contest of sorts to get more rice donated and help feed more people. I will be creating a group on February 6th and would love it if you would all join me! It takes just over 19,000 grains of rice to feed one person per day, according to their FAQ. You improve your vocabulary and spelling, learn new words, and can even improve your math skills - all while helping needy families!



• The opera! I am one of eight women chosen for the women's chorus for Ainadamar, an opera running in Phoenix from March 1st through March 4th. We have rehearsal between three and five days a week. I'm super excited for our performances! I haven't participated in an opera since Alaska Children's Choir. 

• Cooking, of course! I made spaghetti squash lasagna with my delicious ginger cookies last night. I've also been neglecting my food blog, but I hope to get more tasty concoctions up soon!

• Boot camp! This is the last in a four-week series I signed up for. Friday will be my last day for the month. I've been incredibly pleased with my progress. I'm looking forward to being weighed and taped at the end of the week, because I can definitely see a difference in my body - particularly my abs and legs. My pants are no longer tight, either, and I am *almost* back to being able to button my size 2 slacks and having them look good. (I can button them now, but it's not pretty.) 

• Even though I shouldn't admit it... Shopping! I decided I couldn't go to Florida without a new purse. The tote I use now is a huge sorority bag. Not exactly wedding material. I also have my old purse made out of Kyle's woodland blouse... Probably not what I should bring to meet the parents. And it's not wedding material either. My last purse has a big hole in it. No bueno. And that's how I ended up with this beauty. Thank you, Kate Spade, for solving my purse dilemma. 

And while we're on the topic of shopping, I've added a few things to my Amazon Wish List lately, and prioritized different things. Pinterest has been down, so I've been unable to satisfy my window shopping experience elsewhere.

• I'm starting up my 365-day photo challenge again! The photo of my purse there is the new Day One. I'm planning on sticking with it this time! We'll see how well I do. 

• Finally, I've been modeling. I'm working on a website right now that should hopefully be up within a week. I'm incredibly excited to see how this expands my opportunities! 

Obviously that's not an exhaustive list. I've been doing school stuff, preparing for the wedding / Florida trip, trying to fit back into my clothes again (I went for a 3km run yesterday!), and doing some early spring cleaning. Two of my best friends are moving to Vermont next month, so I've been trying to spend more time with them as well. 

I've been running around like a busy little bee lately! I've started a number of blog posts but never finished anything, so I have some half-completed blurbs I might try to get up in the next few days. Ciao!!

Dear Piperlime,

Stop tempting me, you harlot!

I already ordered a new purse from you yesterday. I don't need to be constantly reminded of your "Sweet deals," or how I can "Save on [my] faves." I love you already! The ad underneath EVERY SINGLE QUESTION I've answered on FreeRice tonight is a little overkill.


In other news, the enormous mess that is ASU still is totally swamped with the 300,000 other students trying to reset their passwords, and I haven't been able to get on in over two days. At first it wasn't a huge deal. Now it's starting to become an enormous pain in the ass. I would like to be able to access syllabi. I would like to know what homeworks are due when. I would like to be able to turn in homework that was due over the last week.

But no. Instead I sit here with an angry "high request volume" error message, unable to access Blackboard or check my email. You would think a school - particularly the largest school in the nation whose number one goal is not scholarship, but is apparently to recruit more students - would better protect supposedly "secure" information.

I hate the politics surrounding ASU. Rather than launching on a tirade about how instead of starting a petition to pay them more money, I should be chalking up this incident as yet another on their shitlist.

But alas, I still have another year here. And since I only got three hours of sleep last night between staying up in an attempt to get back into the ASURITE system and boot camp this morning, it's time for me to pass out. Maybe I'll dream sweet, sweet dreams about how Michael Crow's income is slashed by 90%. Or maybe dreams of how I, too, can be compensated upwards of $800K annually to poorly manage a university.

May all your camels be fertile, and may ASU be blessed with a competent president.

I'm going!!

You may recall from my list of 2012 Resolutions that one of them is to fit in a dress I bought for the boyfriend's brother's wedding by February 19th. Well up until Sunday, it was still just a plan. I officially have my ticket now, and I'm going to meet his family! I'm terrified and thrilled all at the same time.

I'm also thrilled beyond words that I will be seeing my sorority mama for the first time in five years! She lives in Orlando, and her birthday is the day after I arrive, so there will be some sort of shindig necessary. I miss her like crazy, and I can't wait! She is also getting married there in May, but I can't expect her to spend much time with me when I'm there for her wedding, so I'm really glad this worked out the way it did!

I'm about to head to bed with my Hot Pants on for the first time. They're supposed to make you sweat like crazy, so I turned the heat down 7 degrees from where I usually keep it. I'll definitely update in a few weeks on how I like them. They seemed gimmicky to me, but I know someone who has tried a similar product and really liked them, so I thought I'd give 'em a try. They were on sale, so I'm not out a whole lot if I think they suck.

Kyle seems to think that we'll have an answer one way or the other with this whole apartment collections nonsense later today, and I'm hoping that's true! I'm ready to get this nonsense over with. We did nothing wrong, and while we did chat today about getting an attorney and suing the pants off them, I'm really hoping the collections agency will recognize that we were within our legal rights to terminate the lease and are not responsible for any of what they claim we owe.

Morning comes early. Ciao!

(P.S. I made some delicious mac & cheese today. Check it out! I think it's my new favorite.)

365 Questions: 176 - 182

176. What are the primary components of a happy life?  Doing what you love, and loving what you do. That doesn't just apply to employment; it applies to everything. 


177. How would the world be different if you were never born?  I like to believe I'm just a ray of sunshine. I know I've definitely made an impact on some people, and certainly their worlds would be different if I wasn't around, but I certainly haven't made an enormous impact on the world. 

178. What is your favorite song and why?  Oh yikes. All-time favorite song? I've never been able to choose one. Favorite Top 40s song right now is "It Girl," by Jason Derulo. Favorite folk song is "Danny Boy." Favorite Indie/a capella song is Ben Folds' cover of "Sleazy." 


179. With the resources you have right now, what can you do to bring yourself closer to your goal?  Make the calls I need to make. The only thing holding me back is fear. 

180. What are your top three priorities?  School, success, and fitness


181. Why do we idolize sports players?  I certainly don't, and I don't understand the mentality of people who do. 

182. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?  Veru took me in when I was stranded in the Czech Republic this summer. Most all of my important stuff had been snatched, and she took me in for three days so I could get back on my feet. I truly don't know what I would have done without her. 

I fixed that shit.

Maybe it's just my house, but it seems like it goes through phases where everything goes wrong - the shower leaks. The dishwasher drainage line is clogged. The heating unit is acting funny. Every light in the house is dead. The fridge is dripping. You know the drill.

Well this week was one of those weeks. The shower wouldn't turn off. When you'd finally think you had it, it would drip all day. The shower drain was clogged, because I have so much hair. And the dishwasher had standing water in the bottom of it. Fantastic, right? Just what I wanted to deal with the first week of school.

Thursday afternoon I'd had enough of the dishes piling up on my counter, so I fixed that shit. I'm still impressed with myself.

In other news, Kyle came over Thursday to pick up copies of the paperwork from/involving our old apartment that is currently in collections (because we broke the lease legally and just haven't gotten around to taking them to court). Things went smoothly and I'm really glad. I think it was good (at least for me) to have some mostly-positive interaction with him, and leave the negative feelings behind.

I went to the Olive Mill today, and it was the first day of their Spring First Press Festival! (Or whatever they called it. Something like that.) Free wine tasting, live band, private press olive oil tasting, and a vendor table set up that was tasting bbq sauces (holy cow, yum!) and wine jellies/jams. It was pretty wonderful! I also walked out spending exactly what I had planned on when I walked in, which was pretty pleasing.

I'm having breakfast with friends in the morning, so I should probably start heading to bed pretty soon. Sorry for the lack of updates lately! I have been busy with school shenanigans and homework. I'll try to show my face a little more often, though. Ciao!!

Holy sheet.

The weigh-in for boot camp was yesterday morning. They take your measurements and all that, so you can see how much progress you've made at the end of the month.

Total weight lost on the juice cleanse?

11.5 lbs.


Wow. Bring on another one!

I can definitely tell already that this early-morning bootcamp thing is going to be brutal. Aside from the obvious 5:30, she makes us do push-ups with your weight rocked forward onto your toes, and your butt up in the air. Your shoulders take your full body weight instead of your lower back. Yikes. And she ends every session with burpees. I apparently slept on my wrist wrong, so those were incredibly unenjoyable for me.

In other news, my sister and I went out to lunch today, and she asked me to be her maid of honor! I am simultaneously thrilled, shocked, and nervous. We don't really talk that often. I feel like I don't really know her that well anymore, and yet now I'm the one whose shoulders it falls on to plan her bridal shower and bachelorette party. I am hoping this will strengthen our not-super-close relationship.

I'm going to attempt to get five hours of sleep before boot camp again in the morning. Ciao!!

Words of wisdom:

Don't eat seventeen* ginger chocolate dream cookies two days after finishing a juice cleanse and expect your body not to throw a fit.

FML.

In other news, my first boot camp class starts in less than five hours. I'm going to bed. Ciao!!


* small exaggeration