Sunday, June 24, 2012

Happy birthday to me!!

That's right, bitches. I'm the big 2-4. I worked on my birthday (an 11 hour shift - yay!) and then went out with coworkers afterward. Yeah, reverse happy hour!

Our waitress had mediocre-at-best camera skills. 

Someone at work had ordered cupcakes, Esti made chocolate chip cookies, Kate and David brought me a blizzard from DQ, and my mama had flowers delivered to me at work. It was a pretty spectacular day! 

After leaving Applebee's, rather than doing the responsible thing and going to bed, I watched movies all night. Two of them, in fact. All the way until I decided to get ready for my 7AM shift. I had a total blast. I also watched the first episode of a show called Archer, which I think is going to be right up my alley.

Yesterday, in my sleep-deprived state, I also ran into Ryann - an old friend from my sorority days. She was so excited to see me, I must have gotten seven hugs along with the declaration that she was about to cry. What a way to make a girl feel loved!

So far, I'm lovin' this whole year-older thing. 24 is treating me pretty well. And I've stayed under my pre-goal goal weight for the last three days, even eating pretty much whatever I choose (since I'm the birthday girl!).

Bring on an awesome year! I'm more than ready for it... and the flowers it will bring, as long as they're as pretty as these!

Thanks, Mom!! <3

Thanks for celebrating with me! xoxo

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

They won't go away.

The memories. The dreams. The ever-present reminders that he's not around.

I dreamt about him last night. Again. It was a bizarre dream - he had up and left and 'moved' to Europe for six months to take a class on vodka. And then he came back; I saw him at a party (where I was also showing off my new Harley Davidson logo tattoo), and heard through the grapevine that he was looking for a job. Just super weird stuff. Though I suppose of all spirits, vodka has probably been his drink of choice (with a splash of cranberry), I don't think I've ever actually seen him drink it. Bizarre.

And then at one point I went to his house - just walked in the side door where the laundry area is, and called Yogi, "Yogi Bear."

I finished another book tonight. The Best of Me by Nicholas Sparks. It's a story of love lost, and re-encountered twenty years down the road. But just reading the numerous love stories weaved throughout the book made me reminisce. First, a comment about the male protagonist, saying he was capable of loving only once in his life. And I started to wonder if that would be me.

Then, memories of my own. Making love for the first time in my life. Holding hands in the car. Walking on the beach on my last night in Jacksonville, him comparing my hair to the gorgeous sunset, both wishing the night wouldn't end. That same night, singing 'When You Say Nothing At All' along with the radio, but hoping his heart would realize I was singing it to him.

Every once in a while, I'll still say "we" or "us," referring to him, as if whomever I'm talking to should instinctively know who I mean. I was discussing wedding details with my sister today, chatting about the plans I had set in motion as if we were still getting married.

Every time my brain does this - thinks about him obsessively - I wonder if something is wrong. I am always drawn to the conclusion that something terrible must have happened to him, that he is in the hospital, and that no one will know. And a part of me, every time, is tempted.

Hell, tonight I was even tempted to go work on that afghan.

It's been just over a year, and I still feel like calling him when I'm really down. I had a 'daymare' of sorts today and envisioned my contact dropping down the sink. Immediately, I knew he would be the one I'd call to rescue it.

And so, speaking of rescuing, Kyle. If you ever decide you need rescuing from the poor life choices you are making / have made, I will be here. Because as much as I sometimes don't want to admit it, I still love you. And I think maybe I always will.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Another dream, and a sad day.

Monday morning, I had another dream about him. The atheist with a Bible verse tattoo. A weird dream. Sunday afternoon, I went down to Tucson for work. They got me a hotel room that was intended to be shared, so I ended up with a room meant for two people. As I was drifting off, I remembered that the last time I had a hotel room that wasn't for business, or that I wasn't sharing with several other people, was when Kyle and I were in Nashville.

And then I dreamt. I don't remember the details anymore, but it was almost cathartic. Not that day - that day I just missed him. But today has lent me a new perspective.

On a completely unrelated note, I woke up this morning to a phone call from my mother. Jerry, someone who has been like a grandfather to me since I was in elementary school, was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. He has been given three to six months to live.

I'm in the process of planning a trip home now, trying to come to terms with the fact that it will likely be the last time I see him. He won't be there for my wedding. He won't be there for my sister's wedding this winter. He likely won't paint any more. There won't be any more get-togethers at his house on New Year's Day for black-eyed peas and cornbread.

His left lung has a tumor the size of an orange and growing. He has lived a wonderful and rewarding 79 years. Life hasn't always been kind to him, and he hasn't always been kind to his body, so I think he's come to terms with things a lot easier than the rest of us.

It seems like there's been so much grieving lately. So much loss. I'm not ready for this.

Friday, June 1, 2012

May 101 update!

Goals completed:

  • Try 10 new kinds of tea
  • See the Grand Canyon


  • Read seven books
  • Yelped Black Bart's
  • Went to one concert! 

Sorry I've been pretty MIA this past month. I'll have photos up of the Grand Canyon trip and maybe of the Chris Cagle concert hopefully soon. I also crossed off another goal this morning, but you'll have to wait to see what that one was. :)