365 questions: 342 - 365!!!

342. What is the closest you have ever come to fearing for your life?

Riding on the back of my dad's motorcycle in Canada. He drives like a maniac, and the twisty Canadian gravel roads don't agree with his driving style. I was planning my exit off the back in case something terrible were to happen. 


343. How do you deal with isolation and loneliness?

I wrap myself up in whatever I'm doing. I never have a lack of obligations or responsibilities, with my tendency to over-commit myself to everything. I typically either work more or focus on homework like I should. Sometimes I cry about it and take a bubble bath. I very rarely get lonely.



344. What do you know well enough to teach to others?

Plenty of things. I made my living teaching others for a year! ACT/SAT/PSAT test prep, math through college level, biology, chemistry, anatomy & physiology, English. Non-academic: virtually everything there is to know about wine, particularly Old-World regions and varietals; beer; spirits (particularly scotch whiskey); knitting; cooking.  


345. What’s a quick decision you once made that changed your life?

The decision I made to go to Europe was a pretty impulsive one that definitely shaped that summer, for sure. A quick decision that changed my entire life, though? Probably buying my plane ticket to Jacksonville six and a half years ago. It was a total impulse thing.



346. What have you lost interest in recently?

Last weekend was a pretty traumatic experience for me, and I've been having a difficult time coping. I wouldn't say I've necessarily lost interest, but I've lost motivation to do a lot of things - schoolwork, showering, housekeeping. 

347. What makes life easier?

Lots of things. Money. A great support network. An education. Limited bills. And the love of a wonderful partner.



348. What was the last thing you furiously argued about with someone?

I don't "furiously argue" about much of anything, but I was very upset about how work handled a situation and when Kyle said he could see their side, I got slightly irrational. 


349. What job would you never do no matter how much it paid?

Janitorial work. I won't clean toilets, period. I dislike cleaning my own enough. I definitely wouldn't clean anyone else's!



350. What is the number one solution to healing the world?

Love. More love = less hate, more tolerance, better support systems, and more heartfelt response to tragedy.


351. What could society do without?

Haters



352. What stresses you out?

Others' expectations. I'm not stressed by responsibility, but I'm definitely stressed by someone else's perception of what I should be doing with that responsibility, or how I succeed in situations. 


353. Now that it’s behind you, what did you do last week that was memorable?

Finished another book toward my 101!



354. Where do you spend most of your time while you’re awake?

Usually at school. I have school for more than seven hours a day, four days a week. So I spend a lot of time on campus. When I'm not at school, I'm almost always at work.


355. What makes someone a hero?

I think heroism is incredibly personal, so a hero to me would likely not be a hero to anyone else. However, I would say a hero is someone who attempted a selfless act at great personal risk to themselves. Alternatively, someone who has a lasting positive impact on someone's life.



356. When in your life have you been a victim of stereotyping?

I'm a redhead. I'm also a girl in a science field (engineering, then math). The vast majority of my education, I've surprised people. 


357. When was the last time you felt lucky?

Kyle and I scored a free room at a gorgeous B&B in Sedona for Veteran's Day as a thank-you for his service. That was pretty lucky!



358. When did you first realize that life is short?

I've experienced a lot of loss, but I think one of the most poignant was a guy I went to high school with, who was a year behind me. He passed away my first year out of high school and I went back home for the funeral. Totally normal kid, senior in high school, friends with everyone, and didn't make it to his own graduation. 


359. What is the most insensitive thing a person can do?

Ignore you when you need them



360. What can someone do to grab your attention?

Say something about expensive wine or yummy food! 


361. What do you usually think about on your drive home from work?

How freakishly tired I am, and whether or not I'm staying between the lane lines



362. What’s one downside of the modern day world?

Easy internet access for kids is dumbing down their vocabulary. Just take one quick look at Youtube. 


363. What simple fact do you wish more people understood?

Hard work will get you far in life. Quit skating through life and passing off your work to everyone else!



364. If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?

I firmly believe in learning from past life experiences rather than regretting them. But I do wish I would've scheduled my plane ticket for a few days before Grandpa Jer passed away. I would have really loved to see him once more. 


365. How would you describe your future in three words?

It looks bright.

I'm back! And I'm thankful.

Blogger has absolutely refused to load for me on my laptop lately, but the problem was miraculously solved! (Unlike all the other loading problems I've been having lately, unfortunately.)

Catching up on my Month of Gratitude:

Day 1: I'm thankful for such a wonderful partner. This morning, Kyle bought us tickets to go see Mannheim Steamroller when they're in town next month!

Day 2: I am thankful that I have a Trader Joe's so close to my house! I had one of their pumpkin muffins for breakfast. Yummy!!

Day 3: I'm thankful that we got to the fair just in time for MONSTER TRUCKS!!!! I was so bummed and thought we had missed them by not going the day before. 

Day 4: I'm so thankful I had a little one-on-one time with Mara last night. It really tore me up that I couldn't be there with her on Friday night so it was really special to me to have that time with her. I gave her the Trader Joe's gift cards I had gotten last week, and to be able to give her the reassurance that she doesn't have to worry about groceries for a while really meant a lot to both of us. 


In other news, I purchased another year membership at my favorite local Bikram studio (BYT) a few days ago, so hopefully I'll make it down to that svelte 125 in the next month! 

Home alone!

This spring, a former coworker asked if she could move in temporarily when her lease was up. She was madly in love with a British guy who invited her to England this fall for his sister's wedding, and wanted to save up some cash to travel, so I agreed to the 2-3 month arrangement.

Well June rolled around, when her lease was up, and she said the stakes had changed. She had decided not to go to England this fall, and was planning on leaving when she moved up to Flagstaff to go to school in January. Oh, boy. Might have been nice to discuss that with me first!

Well she moved in, and we started having issues with her lack of cleanliness. We had a few conversations, then a roach in the house, and then she left last weekend for four days with the kitchen looking like this...

August 101 update and Labor Day vacation!

I went back to school full-time this month, so my free time was (and is) pretty limited. Nonetheless, I accomplished the following:

• paid more on my student loans! So much more, in fact, that I crossed that one off the list! Woohoo!! 
• donated more rice! 
• read another book! Finished the first week of school - probably the last book I'll read for pleasure for the next little while. 

That's 35 goals down, now. Took a while to cross off another one, but I'm still makin' progress, and that's all that counts! 

Just got back from a weekend getaway with the Mister, where we got plenty of relaxing in, spent some time with my little sister and her hubs, and I caught up on sleep! We stayed at the Flagstaff Courtyard Marriott (don't recommend) and ate at Cuvee 928 (such disappointing service!). Good thing I had such wonderful company, or I might have been super bummed. We're back home missing my favorite memory foam pillow, a little more sunburnt than is enjoyable, but rested and happy. We didn't take a whole lot of photos, but if I can put a few together, you may get a peek at the gorgeous Walnut Canyon cliff dwellings. 

More later! xoxo

June 101 update!!

This past month, I:

• paid more on my student loans! Over $2000 this month!!!
• visited a new museum in San Diego

So maybe I didn't cross off another goal, but I paid over $2000 on my loans. I'm so thrilled!! I just made another payment this morning, too, so I have less than $1500 left until I've met my goal. 

Kyle and I went out to Mission Beach for my birthday weekend, and we spent Sunday at the San Diego Natural History Museum. That weekend was so delightful! I can't remember the last time I had four days off in a row. I think it might have been for my little sister's wedding! We got to relax and eat delicious food, hang out on the beach, and enjoy that gorgeous weather (and then come home to 118, unfortunately). I'll try to get a few photos up here in the next few days.

And since I should have a little extra time this week with the holiday, hopefully I'll (finally) get some reading done! Here's to a productive July!

xo

365 questions: 326 - 332

326. What questions do you often ask yourself?

I constantly am asking where I'm going in life. I set goals for myself and check in on a regular basis, because I know I won't make progress if I don't hold myself accountable. 


327. What are you an expert at?

Algebra. Drinking wine pretentiously.



328. How would an extra $1000 a month change your life?

I could put an extra $800+ toward my student loans, and have a little extra to spend on myself every month. I deserve a massage every once in a while, but I never treat myself to one. It would be pretty stellar! I could also cut down my hours at work drastically, and afford to take a day off on occasion rather than once every 2+ months. 


329. What things in life should always be free?

Love. Healthcare (or at the very least, affordable).


330. What is your favorite time of the year?

Autumn. I absolutely love the changing leaves. The colors, the weather - I adore the fall!


331. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?

Success. From a very young age, my parents instilled a huge drive in me for success. Much more than material things, that is what I've wanted for years.


332. What is the most recent dream you remember having while sleeping?

Haha! I was just retelling it. Kyle was going to school, and we were discussing his sleeping arrangements - something like a cross between a dorm and a co-ed sleeping porch. And I was mad. 

365 questions: 292 - 310!

292. What is the biggest obstacle that stands in your way right now?

I love the quote from Bridesmaids - "You are your problem. And you're also your solution, Annie." My biggest obstacle is always myself. My biggest obstacle to not having a job I adore is a combination of fear and having wasted so much time in school - both coming back to me. My biggest obstacle in relationships is communication - something that I try to better in myself, but where I am never perfect. I am the only thing I am able to change, so I am the only obstacle on which I should focus. 


293. What do you sometimes pretend you understand that you really don’t?

Men. It's not so much that I pretend that I understand them. I sometimes think I do, and then realize I really don't. 


294. What do you like most about your job?  What do you dislike most about your job?

Oh, boy. My full-time job, I like that I am able to educate others. That is always rewarding for me. I dislike pretty much everything else about the job. I work with management that doesn't appreciate the time and effort I put in. I work a shitty wage and am never recognized for my accomplishments. That is frustrating. My tutoring job, I absolutely adore. I love my clients, and I love helping someone master a new concept. I love that, when I show up to a particular client's house, she almost always offers a glass of wine. The only thing I dislike is that it is a 30+ minute drive to meet with some clients. 


295. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself?

Recently, I learned that I still don't really know where I'm going. There are so many paths in life that appeal to me, and it's difficult for me to choose one and focus on it while still feeling like my family will be proud of me. 


296. In one sentence, how would you describe your relationship with your mother?

She is a wonderful friend, and I'm glad we are so close. 


297. What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year?

My little sister's wedding. There was a lot going on that day that made it stick out. I had a conversation with an incredibly wise friend that changed my outlook on a few things. I stood up with my little sister as she made one of the most important decisions of her life. I observed a few behaviors from others that really bothered me. And I learned a little more about myself. 


298. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?

I need to figure my shit out. I need to find a direction, and pursue it. 


299. What makes you feel secure?

Love. Hugs from behind while I'm doing the dishes, or slaving away over the stove. Having enough money in the bank to do whatever I want. 


300. What is your favorite sound?

Rain on the roof, for sure. It's one of my favorite things in the world. 


301. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend?

Honesty, trustworthiness, and happiness. I want to surround myself with people who genuinely enjoy life, who will tell me the truth, and who always have my back. 


302. What simple gesture have you recently witnessed that renewed your hope in humanity?

I received a card in the mail today from someone who I've never met, just because she knew I was having a difficult time. It was incredibly special. 


303. What is your favorite smell?

That would probably be homemade baked bread. Cookies are up there, too, though. I love coming home and having the smell of amazing food greet me. 


304. What recent memory makes you smile the most?

About two weeks ago, we had a wine class at work. I usually am unavailable on Thursday evenings because I work with a tutoring client at that time. However, she had cancelled and I texted Kyle asking if he wanted to join me for the class. He led me to believe he would be working late and wouldn't be able to make it. When I got a text message saying he was already there and asking where I was, that definitely put a smile on my face. 


305. In one word, how would you describe your childhood?

Generous. I never wanted as a child. 


306. What celebrities do you admire?  Why?

...Are there admirable celebrities out there right now? I can't say that I really admire anyone. 


307. What is the number one motivator in your life right now?

Happiness. I have decided to live for myself and do what makes me happy. Currently, that's buying a gorgeous painting to hang above my fireplace, and saving up for land in Sedona, because that's one of my favorite places in the world. 


308. What music do you listen to to lift your spirits when you’re feeling down?

It depends. I almost always listen to country, but I have a number of different playlists. Lately, I've been listening to my "Sedona Roadtrippin'" playlist, which has some hip-hop and some rock interspersed in there. My "Hicktown" playlist usually does the trick, too. 


309. If I gave you $1000 and told you that you had to spend it today, what would you buy?

If I could spend it on whatever I wanted, I would pay down part of my student loans. If I had to buy a material item, probably the wine fridge I've been eyeing at Costco. 142 bottles for $999. 


310. What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?

I attended a super fun workshop tonight that had me laughing nearly the entire time. I love Express MiE! 

365 questions: 281 - 291

281. Who has had the greatest impact on your life?

My parents. They raised me with the intention of shaping me into a respectable adult. For the most part, they've succeeded. 


282. Are you happy with where you are in your life?  Why?

Mostly, yes. I sometimes wish I had more to show for where I'm at, but I'm working toward that goal! 



283. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

I will be a land-owner, and I will no longer be working at a job I loathe. 


284. How have you sabotaged yourself in the past five years?

I've switched my major yet again. (and again, and again.) I spent all my money in Europe because I planned poorly. And I have not seen the detriment that my communication habits truly were. 



285. Other than money, what else have you gained from your current job?

I have gained knowledge, experience, and coworkers that consider me family. 


286. Whom do you secretly envy?  Why?

Anyone who has their shit together more than I do. Sometimes I look back on my mom at my age, and think - she was married by the time she was 24. My parents had been millionaires, built their own home from the ground up, moved out of state, and started over - all by the time my mom was nearly 25. I feel like I should have experienced so much more by now, and I am envious of all my friends from high school who are no older than I, but are in such a different place in life. 



287. In twenty years, what do you want to remember?

I want to remember that, in the year I turned 25, I was happy, and people were proud of me. 


288. What are you most excited about in your life right now – today?

Um, I'm excited that I get paid on Friday and can pay down my credit card, since I used it too much last month. I'm excited that yesterday, I talked to my first loan officer. I'm excited to read the book he gave me, and I'm excited that I got two awesome messages offering work modeling yesterday. 



289. What experience from this past year do you appreciate the most?

Not so much an experience, but a realization - that I was sabotaging my relationships because of a fatal communication mistake. I'm so glad I realized that, so I can vow never to repeat it. 


290. What is the most enjoyable thing your family has done together in the last three years?

My little sister got married last month, and we had a good time. Other than that, one of my favorite memories is when Kyle and I took my mom to Sedona around Christmas, 2010. 

It was super cold, and I was not impressed.

291. How many hours of television do you watch in a week?  A month?  A year?

Conventional television? None whatsoever. I gave away my tv. Sometimes when I go to the gym (which is very rarely), I'll watch the cooking channel, or something moderately interesting. But I would say less than 20 hours of tv per year, overall. 

365 questions: 271 - 280!

271. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

Fear of failure has stopped me from a lot, probably. I'm fairly impulsive, but I always err on the side of caution. I'm afraid of taking risks and being embarrassed by the result. 


272. Who would you like to please the most?

I know that I am most important. I should care most about pleasing myself. But I think my answer here would have to be my dad. His acceptance and approval has always been important to me - perhaps because we are so incredibly alike. 


273. If you could go back in time and change things, what would you change about the week that just passed?

Not a thing. I had an amazing week. I had a breakfast date with a man who makes my heart happy, and was snuggled to sleep most nights. I accepted a new tutoring client, and met with another new client for the first time. I had an amazing opportunity presented to me. I'm more than happy with the week that just passed. 


274. When you meet someone for the very first time what do you want them to think about you?

Perhaps the insecure and yet still vain part of me wants them to think I am beautiful. But mostly I want them to think I am intelligent, kind, and wonderful. 


275. Who would you like to forgive?

There's really only one person I've had a hard time forgiving, and I don't waste any time on her anymore. So no one, really. I have current frustrations, but I don't trouble myself with old grudges. 


276. At what point during the last five years have you felt lost and alone?

I actually sent my best friend a text message a few years ago that said exactly that - "I have never felt so lonely." September, 2010. 



277. What is one opportunity you believe you missed out on when you were younger?

I don't really know that I missed out on a whole lot. I was pretty blessed in that I didn't want for much when I was growing up. I had piano lessons with the best teachers around, I traveled to Europe with my competitive choir, and I received the best education available. 


278. What do you want more of in your life?

Relaxation. That would require a little more money. 



279. What do you want less of in your life?

Stress, for sure. And less of the job I really dislike. 


280. Who depends on you?

No one, really. My coworkers, for knowledge on occasion. My bird, because she would die out of her cage. But I don't have anyone depending on me for care. I don't have kids. I live alone. While Kyle relies on me to meet many of his needs, he would be just fine on his own, too. And I kinda like it this way. I can make decisions that might affect others, but won't be life-changing for anyone else. 

Admitting your failings

I did something Saturday night that was hard for me. It was emotional and embarrassing, and I cried a little. But at the same time, I loved it.

You know that liberating feeling you get from being heart-wrenchingly honest? That's how I still feel. Sometimes we just need to sit down and be brutally honest with one another. We admit our faults, we apologize, and we know that things are going to be okay.

I've been struggling unknowingly with a grossly inappropriate communication faux-paus for most of my adult life. I was raised to feel like that was normal, and I actually came to the conclusion that it wasn't one night about a month ago. I was driving down the road, bawling, and called my sister. I remember the first words out of my mouth - "Do you feel like you were emotionally stunted because...?" She has a much better grasp on her emotions than I do, apparently, and was thankfully able to calm me down.

I have been unintentionally hurting someone for years because of said faux paus, and I finally sat down and apologized for it on Saturday. I explained where I was coming from, took responsibility, said I'm embarrassed, and I'm sad, and I'm sorry.

And things were fine. The world didn't end. I wasn't wrapped up in a hug (because I really didn't deserve one). I wasn't struck by lightning. But I had peace.

For years and years and years, getting an apology from me was like pulling teeth. I thought apologizing meant admitting you're wrong, and I am never wrong. I'd put up a good fight before I would apologize. But I've done it a lot more lately, and I kinda like it.

When I was in Prague, staying at a hostel, the little kitchen area had only a small fridge. I had gotten a few cartons of yogurt for breakfast, and was keeping them in there. But the hotplate in the kitchen happened to be situated on or very near the top of this itty bitty fridge. There were two boys in there making something on the stove, and I said "Excuse me; sorry" when I needed to get into the fridge. And then again later, to get into the fridge again. One of them said something silly about how I apologized too much, and that it was unnecessary.

But I disagree. I'm sorry for inconveniencing people. I'm sorry I've hurt others' feelings. I'm sorry I haven't been who I think I should be, and sometimes I'm sorry I haven't lived up to the expectations of others.

Most of all, I'm sorry I haven't apologized more. I'm sorry I have let my pride get in my own way. I'm sorry I've used apologies as weapons or incentives, or done anything other than offer them when they were needed.

So, as one of the ways I am inviting love into my life in the coming year, I will apologize more often. It's liberating. And getting over my pride doesn't make things worse. It makes them okay. Sometimes even better. It brings me peace.

And if there's one thing I need a shitload more of, it's peace.


xo!

One year from now.

It was recently suggested to me that I have a discussion about where things will be one year down the road.

And it got me thinking. Every year has brought about so much change, I never could have predicted where I'd be the year prior.

August 2007 - Kyle and I were dating, long-distance. I went to visit and meet his parents for the first time.

August 2008 - We moved down here to Arizona and got our first apartment together. Neither of us had even been to the state.

August 2009 - He deployed to Afghanistan during my first week of school. I didn't know how to process any of it, because we had less than one week's notice.

August 2010 - We were having horrible difficulties readjusting to him being home, and fought like cats & dogs. I kicked him out of the house a month later.

August 2011 - I came home from Europe a huge cow - a trip I had planned because we broke up a few months prior. He came over the night after I got home with dinner and a few bottles of wine, and got so drunk he slept in the tub.

August 2012 - We got back together again after one fantastic night of stir-fry and sex, because we both felt like we were coming home.


Right now, I'm working a job I mostly hate, making dirt. In one year, I hope to:

• have completed my 101 list,
• own land,
• be self-employed - or at least minimally employed by my current employer, and 
• just generally be more in control of my life. Actually look like I'm 25 and going somewhere, rather than 24 and working retail. 

365 questions: 261 - 270

261. If you could live forever, would you want to?  Why?

No. While it may be possible to live forever, I'm sure there won't be cures to all the body's ailments and I don't want to live in pain. Also, it's paining to see the state of the world today. I don't have high hopes for its future.  


262. If you had to be someone else for one day, who would you be and why?

I would probably put myself in the shoes of the man I love. Sometimes I really wish I could know what's going on in that head of his. 


263. What positive changes have you made in your life recently?

I registered at ASU again for the Spring semester! I'm not terribly excited to be back in school, but I am so ready to be done, and this is the first step. I also took on another tutoring client and cut back my hours at work, which I know will do wonders for my mental well-being. 


264. Who makes you feel good about yourself?

I interact with people daily who make me feel good about myself. My coworkers. My aunty and cousins. My family. Even my customers. It is so gratifying to hear that I recommended a "life-changing" wine. 


265. What is your biggest regret?

Not realizing the depth of my communication deficiencies until a few weeks ago. I have been making heinous communication mistakes for years because that's what I grew up seeing, and wish I could have seen that earlier. It would have saved a lot of heartache. 


266. Which one of your responsibilities do you wish you could get rid of?

Cleaning the bathroom. There's no one else around to do it, but I sure wish I didn't have to do it myself! 


267. What’s something you don’t like to do that you are still really good at?

Cleaning the house. I hate to do it, but when I set my mind to it, I surprise everyone. 


268. What type of person angers you the most?

A dishonest one. I could never befriend anyone who was largely dishonest. 


269. What is missing in your life?

Stability and accomplishments. 


270. What is your most striking physical attribute?

That's not a hard one. Definitely my hair. 

November 101 update!

Achieved:

• have a minimum credit score of 720. 

Woohoo! I am so proud of myself right now. In January, when Kyle was looking for a house, I subscribed to Equifax's credit monitoring program. I pay them a reasonable monthly fee, and they watch my stuff for me. If anything changes notably on my credit report, I get an email notification. 

January 27th, my credit score was 704. I made it a goal to get that up to "Good" rather than "Fair." I am so excited that, in less than eleven months, I've raised my score 20 points! I have better credit than the 20-somethings I've talked to (though admittedly I don't go around asking everyone's credit scores. I have a little more tact than that), and the one thing that is suggested to raise my score is getting a mortgage and diversifying my lines of credit. How cool! This is one of the most exciting goals to cross off my list. 720+ credit score with nearly $80,000 in student loans? Not an easy task.

Now if I could just get it up another 10 points to where it was three years ago before we broke that lease at the worst apartment complex ever... 

But not to overshadow my progress!

• read two books
• paid down my loans
• donated a (very) small amount of rice. 

For the month of November, I planned to: 

• read four more books (halfway done!)
• run one mile without stopping
• get down to 135 lbs.
• write Billie & Wally
• watch one old movie I've never seen
• pare my closet down by five more items. 

I may have only achieved one of the goals I set out to accomplish this month, but I'm still super proud of myself for what I've done. Being able to cross off the credit score goal was HUGE for me. I would like to be a homeowner by 25, and I have made huge strides to get there. 

I didn't write Billie & Wally, which means I need to every month for the remainder of the challenge. I'm disappointed in myself, but I've been so shockingly busy I've headed to bed before 9PM some nights. I'm just exhausted with all the work I've been putting in for my tutoring clients and at my thankless job. I know eventually it will pay off (and it has been, with the amounts I've been able to pay down on my loans), so I'm hanging in there right now.


For December, I will:

• run 1 mile without stopping
• get down to 130 lbs. 
• watch the Aurora Borealis
• read four books

And speaking of bed before 9PM, I'm heading that way now. Sleep sweet!

xo

20 things I'm thankful for

I didn't do the 30 days of thanks thing. Obviously. But I think it's important, so here's the start of my list. I'll finish it in a few days, when I don't have to be at work six hours from the time I'm posting.


1. I am thankful for my family. My parents have provided me with this amazing home and my car, and I only have to pay for maintenance and "extras." It is such a huge burden lifted off my shoulders when I have outrageous student loans!

Hey Jesus, your humor sucks.

Once upon a time, when we first moved down here, Kyle got a shitty job, making a shitty wage at a shitty place. He worked at a halfway house for federal convicts, and we both hated it. Him mostly because he was a glorified security guard, but not able to be armed, and was still responsible for drug-testing all residents (like, had to stand next to 'em and everything). I hated it because on weekends, he worked at the facility for sex offenders, and we shared a car. So when I came to pick him up, I was incredibly uncomfortable waiting there while the residents hung out outside, smoking and playing cards.

The week before his birthday, he was fired. He had cut the padlock off the fuse box to replace the A/C fuse, and was terminated for destroying company property. At the time, he didn't mind. It was the final push to accepting his recall, plus we had a lot more time to spend together before he left.

Well today, I got an application at work from someone who works at this same halfway house. He used to work with Kyle, and is now their program director.

Jesus, your sense of humor blows. I take things like this way too seriously. Everything is a sign, or something to read into. Or at the very least, to set me emotionally on edge.

When one of my coworkers left to return to his old job at Kyle's place of employment, I found it surprising. A little off-putting. A reminder that it's a small world. But now two coworkers that both know him? Particularly when he's ridiculously anti-social and has only had two real jobs since we moved here? That's just weird.

If there is a point, please make it. Because this is awfully strange.

An update in the romance department

It's probably been a little obvious lately that things aren't fine and dandy. You know all those frustrations and fears I voiced before Kyle's brother moved in? Well apparently they weren't ill-founded. Chris even said he had a sit-down chat with Kyle and told him they never would have moved down here if they had known sooner that we were dating again, and essentially put Chris's decision on whether to accept the job offer overseas in Kyle's hands after that conversation. Awkward.

Things were mostly okay until two weeks ago, when I voiced frustrations that seeing Kyle once every ten days wasn't a relationship and wasn't fair to me. I went over to walk Yogi bear, since I had finished up with a tutoring client right down the road, and Kyle had a ridiculous emotional outburst.

Snuggling on the couch. Too adorable!

Now he is embarrassed of his behavior (as well he should be), says I caused all this drama, and he wants to be done so he can put it behind him. It's even more frustrating to me because he's failing to accept responsibility, and because he's so proud that he can't stand his brother (who witnessed The Outburst) knowing how unacceptable his behavior sometimes is.

It hasn't totally set in that we're doing anything other than arguing right now. In fact, I've probably talked to him more in the last two weeks than I have in the rest of the time his brother has been here. We had a three-hour phone conversation after Thanksgiving dinner. Yesterday he denied saying most of the things he did, or blamed it on being 3AM, but it was still three hours, and meaningful, and I learned he had been struggling with some things that I wish he would have voiced earlier.

Of everyone I've dated, he has been the one to make me feel like shouting from a mountaintop. He possesses the three most important qualities I want in a man. And from the first day we slipped between the sheets, things have just been easy. I feel like, in many ways but perhaps that one in particular, we were made for each other.

I love those eyes. 

I'm frustrated and want to talk things through, but he won't set his pride aside long enough to agree to a chat - at least not right now. So I'm missing my boys and hoping he'll come to his senses some time soon. I'm spending my time working on me. I know I haven't been blameless, and still have a lot to learn - particularly in the communication department. I'm working on my goals, deep-cleaning my house (something that hasn't been done in way too long!), and looking out for me.

And I'm missing waking up next to this face. And going to bed with this face. And opening the door to kisses from this face.

This picture was taken the day we were supposed to get married. We hadn't seen each other in five months, and I called to have dinner with him. The way he looked at me, after that much time apart, melted my heart. I wish we could just fix our individual communication issues and tendency toward emotion, because we are so good together.

Small victories.

One of the worst things about living alone is not having someone around to make the bed with me.

First world problems, I know, but I'm serious! I am super fail at bed-making. Kyle is bomb at bed-making. (Must be all that practice in the Marine Corps.) And one of the things that I missed most when he was deployed, and then after he moved out, were his bed-making skills. I would do one corner, he'd do his two, and then he'd come over to finish up the last corner because I could never get it quite right. (And I was always way slower, so he did two to my one.)

Tonight, I made a beautiful bed. My sheets are tight, the corners look perfect, and I did it all on my own.

It took 24 years, but I finally have managed to make a good-lookin' bed. And I must say I'm mighty proud of myself.

xo!

Lessons from the fair

At the fair. Baby wallaby!!!!!!!!!!! 

Kyle and I kicked off the day on Wednesday with a 6-hour photo session with the incredibly talented Ron Brewer, of Ron Brewer Images in Surprise. We then trekked back across town to the fair, where we spent the rest of the day. As we were leaving the fair, Kyle commented on how many people had taken interest in our relationship throughout the day -

• Ron, when I was taking a quick potty break, asked Kyle how long we had been together. (His response: five years.) 
• When running Kyle's credit for his new mattress, the salesperson looked at me and asked our combined household income. ("Oh, no. We don't live together.")
• An exhibitor pawning her Dead Sea Salt scrub in the Expo booth asked if we were married while she scrubbed my hands. 

He asked why, when other people were taking note of our interactions and commenting on how cute we are together, aren't we always happy. 

It didn't take me long to think of a response. We don't respond well when there's the slightest hint of conflict. But there's a little more to it, and these are the five things that came to mind. 

1. It's the little things - a good-morning text message, a surprise coffee at work, picking up flowers on your way over, or just a call to say goodnight.  Making his favorite cookies, picking up some candy corn on my way over. Sometimes the smallest actions make the biggest impact. All are small gestures that won't put you out more than a five-spot, but that convey love and affection in a way that words don't. 


2. Think before you speak. I was baring my soul the other night in a way that obviously put him a little on the defensive, but Kyle responded by calling me crazy. The last thing I want to hear when I'm emotionally vulnerable is something like that! The same goes for me. I could have re-evaluated my emotional tirade to tone it down a bit, I'm sure. 


3. Apologize often, and sincerely. Sometimes all that's needed to rectify a situation is an apology! If you hear "I'm upset because," apologize for the action that caused that emotion. It could make a world of difference.  


4. Put your partner first. You're in this for the long haul - at least that's assumed when you're in a committed relationship. Set that precedent for making them feel important. Plus, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. And mama, if you're happy, make sure the mister knows how much you appreciate him. 


5. Always be respectful. If you wouldn't talk to your coworkers the way you talk to your partner, perhaps you should re-evaluate your behavior. Be kind. All those 1 Corinthians attributes that love should be? Be mindful of those.  

And now I'm hitting the hay because the clock just passed midnight, and I think Kyle passed on his stuffy sinuses to me by way of a sore throat. I'm going to try to keep these five things in the forefront and see what a difference it makes.

xoxo!

25 things.

I started reading a new blog tonight: Momastery. It's the story of Glennon, a beautiful mom of three, and her daily struggles with sanity. She's pretty entertaining.

Anyway. Her very first blog post was the "25 things" that was floating around facebook in 2009. (Proof that I also succumbed..) I remembered mine and thought it would be fun to do a then and now kind of thing. So here goes.


The old one:

1) I argued with Kyle's mother the other night and found out who truly is the bigger person.

2) I really need to start eating healthier.

3) Even with my eating habits, I've managed to lose over 25 lbs. since I left the sorority house. I'm really proud of myself. I'm smaller now than I was 3 out of 4 years in high school.

4) My electromagnetism class is really stressing me out.

5) I'm in love with Pandora radio.

6) I think the tv show House may have made me want to change my specialty from Oncology to Infectious Disease.

7) I was pooped on at the bus stop on Friday.

8) I should wash the silverware all at once so it's not such a pain, but I don't. I wash one utensil whenever I need it.

9) I'm so excited that I've finally started my Bioengineering stuff. I'm on my way!

10) I'm terrified of the Passion Parties expo I'm doing this weekend. I don't have a banner and I'm worried I'll look like an idiot - so unprofessional.

11) I don't miss high school, but I do miss the quality of the friendships I had. I've had a really hard time making friends here since I don't live on campus, and I'm drifting away from the friends I had.

12) My favorite food changes almost daily. It may be anything from mashed potatoes to cheese, Tequila lime turkey tenderloin to green bean casserole.

13) I'm afraid to open bags of microwave popcorn after the story of that guy who got cancer from the microwaved butter fumes.

14) I can't remember the last time I watched tv before December. My mom and sister watched the news while they were down here visiting. I didn't know we got tv signal in our apartment before that, and we've been living here since August.

15) I'm habitually late to everything, and I feel really terrible about it, but I generally don't make any effort to change.

16) I have two 7:30 AM classes. I'm not at all a morning person.

17) I'm addicted to MSOS.

18) I get a lot of bloody noses.

19) I've changed a lot in the last two years. I'm finally happy who I am as a person.

20) Several friendships and my relationship have suffered because of it.

21) I took a women's history class last semester and have changed a lot of my views on society, men, the civil rights movement... all because of that class.

22) I hate being lied to more than nearly anything in the world.

23) I wish I could make friends easier.

24) For the most part, I couldn't care less about turning 21. I don't drink, and I have no friends to go out with if I did.

25) I set my goals for myself way too high.

And now a new one.

1. After swearing off Kyle for a year and a half, he's back around. And that scares me a little. I'm especially nervous about his brother living there now, since it would be an understatement to say we don't get along. Things have been going better than they have in years, and I have a sinking feeling the other people living there are going to ruin that. 
2. I'm fat. I gained 40+ lbs. in Europe last year and have lost less than 20 of that. Ew. 
3. I dropped out of school. Or am taking at least a semester off, anyway. And my dad doesn't know. It makes me nervous that he might find out and tell me how disappointed he is in me. 
4. I am still late to almost everything. Probably the only reason I haven't been written up for it more often at work is because they can't afford to fire me. 
5. I do my dishes like a real adult now, but my house is still almost always cluttered. It's embarrassing, but when I get my one day off a week, I want to cherish it rather than clean. 
6. I have a compulsive shopping problem, and it doesn't discriminate. Groceries, lingerie, eye makeup, shoes... I over-buy all the time. 
7. I love the people I work with (for the most part), but I intensely dislike my job overall. I have a job interview later today, and I'm sitting down with someone else to go over my availability because they've already offered me work. 
8. The forum I wasted more than two years of my life on, I haven't logged into in months. I don't know that I've been on at all this year. I'm embarrassed that it used to consume so much of my time. 
9. I still hate being lied to more than anything else in the world. 
10. The longer I live in this country, the more I know I don't want to for long. I would love to make my home in Europe - preferably Austria. 
11. That deployment that I was so afraid of? It was probably the strongest part of our relationship. It was the coming home part that I should have been worried about. 
12. My newest life goal is to become a master sommelier (hopefully the youngest female master!) and be an overseas editor for one of the wine magazines. 
13. I am slowly working my way through a list of 101 goals, and though my progress may not be as quick as I'd like, I'm really proud of myself. It's a big undertaking and almost all my goals require a substantial amount of effort or planning. 
14. In less than two months, I've paid more than $3500 toward my student loans. Pretty proud of myself - especially on a retail salary. 
15. I purchased a $1000, unlimited year-membership to my favorite yoga studio back in July. I've gone less than ten times and I'm incredibly disappointed in myself, but I still don't try any harder to make it worth my money. 
16. The whole being 21 isn't a big deal thing? I get free wine from work. It took me five months to finish seven bottles. 
17. I limit my interactions with people who have juvenile or intolerant vocabularies. If you use the words "retarded" or "gay" in normal conversation, we probably aren't friends. 
18. I adore my little bird, but I don't let her out as often as I should because I hate that she shits all over everything. 
19. I am constantly multi-tasking. You'll never find me with less than five to seven tabs open on my computer. 
20. I love to read! I currently have 14 books checked out from the library. 
21. I am really jumpy - especially late at night. Sometimes I hate living alone without a scary weapon by my side. 
22. I would love to have a bed and breakfast some day. I love to cook and desperately want an amazing house! 
23. I have the horrible habit of pinning oodles of recipes onto my Pinterest food boards and never making them. 
24. I really want to chop all my hair off, but I've had long hair nearly my entire life. I'm terrified I will cut it short and then hate it. 
25. I am so glad I am constantly growing as a person. Looking back on my list from three and a half years ago, I am surprised at some answers and embarrassed by others. I hope to be able to look back on this in another three years and wonder at the changes I've made. 

There you have it! xoxo

Oh, Sedona.

In my head that sounds like the chorus of one of my earliest musicals. "Ooooooooo-klahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain..."

Anyway, that's where I was this weekend. Or for a very short time on Sunday, anyway. Kyle and I packed up and headed out Saturday morning. We got the obligatory trail mix granola bars and hit the road. After stopping for gas and dropping the puppy dog off, we made our first stop at Javalina Leap Winery.

It was pretty neat. Their wines were tasty, for the most part. We bought a bottle of their Sauv Blanc to take home (which, interestingly enough, is the only wine they have nothing to do with. It comes out of California and they slap their own label on it), and got to peek in their back room where they have huge fermentation vats. I liked the place. Some of their wines were underwhelming (particularly the rose), but the ambiance pretty much made up for that - walls plastered in local art for sale, entertaining wine sayings, etc. Kyle was a bit put-off by the amount of advertising on their tasting glasses (which included their website and tasting hours), but oh well. We didn't buy them, so I don't really care.

Headed back into town and had a late lunch at The Tavern in Old Town Cottonwood, and then wandered around town. We stopped in a few bookstores and nifty little shops. My favorite was probably the olive oil and balsamic vinegar store. Of course I couldn't leave without buying anything, so I now have a bottle of vanilla balsamic on my kitchen counter.

Oh, dog. 

We picked up the ornery dog and headed up Mingus Mountain to set up camp. Toured Jerome the next morning on our way down the hill, and someone bought me jewelry for the first time ever. (I can't get a good picture, but the earrings are gorgeous. They remind me of fern fronds. Super delicate. Beautiful.) Took a detour to Tuzigoot National Monument, where the dog remembered he was afraid of stairs, and I laughed aloud as the big, strong man carried the 90-pound wimpy dog down the steps. After that adventure, we finally headed up to Sedona. Toured the shops for a few hours, got a pretty good sunburn, and headed home so we could retire early, since I had to work at 6AM Monday.

We did much less overall than we had planned. I had a whole itinerary for Saturday - all the things we were going to do and see, etc. that didn't go according to plan. It was wonderful and relaxing, and I thoroughly enjoyed having a whole weekend off. On the way up north, Kyle commented on the ridiculous grin I was apparently sporting, and we came to the conclusion that, aside from planned vacations surrounding the Marine Corps (and our three-year anniversary), we had never had a weekend off together in the four years we've lived down here. We've never taken a weekend to get out of town and just go do stuff. It wasn't everything I'd ever dreamed of, but it was amazing and wonderful and exactly what I've needed.

In other news, I picked up a bunch of new books from the library tonight, including two cookbooks. Look for some new recipes coming soon!