I was up reading last night/this morning until 3AM, and I finally finished my first book of the 100 on my list - The Manny by Holly Peterson. It was hilarious and sweet, and I even cried a little at the end. I started another library book, but I'm not a big fan of this one. It's not terribly interesting. I might move on to something else shortly.
I'm having a rough night tonight. I don't feel well. I'm sick to my tummy. I'm talking to Josh, who keeps insisting I come to the party tomorrow night and bring friends so I have someone to play beer pong with. Never been a big beer pong fan, thanks. Plus, I'm assuming that the reason Kyle didn't respond to my last email was because I made him mad, and I did mention in there that I would probably be showing up for a short period of time to the party tomorrow.
I'm bummed, and missing him tonight. I just keep wishing that things could be perfect, or even just good. I miss him. I miss his kisses. I was talking to Josh until probably close to 2 this morning, and I told him about the old Kyle - pre-deployment Kyle. The Kyle who wrote me love letters, and made the "I <3 U" things from plastic when he was working in Maine. The Kyle who, after an argument, left the house when I was in bed, went to the store, and got me flowers and stuff for breakfast. He had grabbed my bus pass on accident instead of the Safeway card, and looked so sheepish when he said we needed to go back to get a price adjustment. The Kyle who cried when I slept in the second bedroom, and after giving up the bed and taking the air mattress, still came in crying, asking if he could sleep on the floor because he missed me. The Kyle who was willing to seek counseling with me.
I had someone ask about my purse today, again (that's several times in the last week), and that didn't help either. I said it was a friend's uniform. Then went back later and said it belonged to my ex-boyfriend of four years, and now it's my only purse.
It just makes me a little sad inside when people talk about loving up on their man, kisses, hugs, spending time with them, etc. When Kyle was deployed, it was more of a "Yes! I can't wait until he's home so we can do all these things!" Now I just get sad because I wish I could do those things, but have no one to do them with. I even cried during... alone time several weeks ago (I think it was in the week between the California trip and dinner) for a similar reason.
And then I read these relationship books, and I realize what we don't have. Trust. Honesty. Communication. Emotional fidelity. Respect. That's not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, but it doesn't make me any less sad.
And now it's time for bed. Nighty night!