Or something like that.
For the most part, I have avoided talking about Ryan on here - for a few reasons. First and foremost, we have been friends for the last 18 years. He is an incredibly important person to me. So many of my memories, especially from school, involve Ryan. I know his younger sisters. My parents know his parents. That's not a relationship I have any interest in screwing up. I had no idea how he felt about me, and to avoid sounding like a crazy person, I thought it was best to keep my feelings to myself on here.
I suppose I should also mention that the last time I saw Ryan was during my California trip in May. I drove out to spend time with my grandparents, and called up Ryan the second day I was there to go out and have some pizza and beer. We did just that. Sam met us at the restaurant and we got some food to go along with our beer. I didn't pay for anything. We left there and went to Pizza Port, where I again didn't pay for anything. Left there and wandered around Carlsbad a bit before we stopped in at a bar that had outside seating. Didn't pay anything. Went across the street to the Boar's Head bar, where Sam left us. It was somewhere there, in the dark corner of the bar (where I finally paid for a round - because I asked to) that I realized not only is Ryan an amazing guy, but the qualities I admire in him are exactly what I am looking for in a future partner.
Well last night was a kick in the pants for me. I was over at the Ellzey's home in Palmer, having a lingerie party of sorts with Natelie and Mike. Mostly hanging out in our undies and drinking margaritas. Having a blast. We'd all had a few - everyone else several more than I had. I was texting periodically, and Mike and Nat both took turns snatching my phone on occasion. No big deal.
Just after midnight, I sent Ryan a text message asking what he was up to. I set the phone down, and Mike snatched it up. Nat of course knows my feelings, and one of us had filled Mike in. Together, the two of them crafted an inappropriate text that they sent off, which kicked off the night. It turned into a few phone calls - one of which ended with something that sounded suspiciously like the L-word.
So we texted back and forth a bit more, and I called him again. He suggested we finish the conversation when we were both sober, which I couldn't disagree with. So I called him back earlier today, and was pretty pleased with the way things happened.
As of right now, our feelings are out on the table. Our friendship is a priority and he is very hesitant to do anything that might jeopardize that. I think it would take quite a bit to threaten our friendship, but I definitely see where he's coming from. And we'll be discussing things a bit more when I drive out there in two weeks to see him. He invited me to stay with him, which is a step in the right direction. And two weeks after this visit, we will meet up in Europe!
I'm glad and a bit relieved that everything is out in the open now, and looking forward to seeing how things progress. I appreciate that we had that conversation last night / today because I'm confident now that no matter how things happen from here on out, it won't be awkward. I was a little worried about bringing up feelings before the trip and having them not be reciprocated. It is an amazing feeling to know that not only are my feelings reciprocated, but that no matter what happens, I'm not going to lose a friend. Europe will still be amazing. And if something more comes out of this, I certainly would not complain.