Saturday, October 29, 2011

I love my mama!

I have pretty much the best mom ever. <3  [Even my ex used to say he loved my mom. He probably loved her more than he loved me! Haha]

I used to say that my mom was my best, best friend. Then we kinda got into it over a night of debauchery back in April, and I got a little stand-offish. I've been that way for the last 6-ish months. Not that I get plastered all the time, or often, or ever, really. But I have drank more now that I'm single than I did before, and my mom has a big problem with alcohol, so I just haven't been quite as chatty. I know she would love me no matter what, but I don't want to feel like I've disappointed her. So I just didn't call as much. Then I left the country. Then shit went down when I came home. And school started, so I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Then I started working at my amazing job so I have even less time. You get the picture.

Anyway, Mom texted me tonight, and I called her. We chatted at first about pants, because I need some of my fat pants that are still at her house. Then about a former friend's dad, which morphed into growing up and friendships and decisions. That moved on to facebook (since that's where I found out the drama encircling the old friend), which prompted a conversation about the ex. Mom had accidentally added him on facebook when she got her new phone. It went through and added all her phone contacts on facebook, I guess. So she got a message back from him saying it was not appropriate for her, as the mother of his ex, to be friends with him. And that moved into a conversation about me. And us.

I didn't really talk about it when it was happening - partially because I didn't know what was going on myself, and mostly because I didn't want to feel judged. But Kyle and I spent a lot of time together when I first got home from Europe. Even before I got home, he talked about getting a hotel room in Sedona. It never happened, but the discussion continued for the first two or three weeks after I got back. He mentioned asking off from work so we could go up there. He came over on a fairly regular basis (yes, even though Dad said he was not allowed in the house. My bad. I don't learn very quickly). He changed my air filter. He brought me bread from Great Harvest when I asked him to. He brought over dinner and wine the day after I got home. We even had a conversation about getting back together.

Well it all ended in a protective order. To the best of my knowledge, he was served on September 15th. (I never actually got anything in the mail about it, so that's a guess.) And I told Mom all of that tonight. She asked if we had had any contact since the protective order (she found out about it online the weekend after he was served, which I feel a little bad about. Probably freaked her out). I said no, and realized that for the first time, not out of anger, I truly don't care about him anymore. I used to say I no longer care for him, but I will probably always care about him.

I'm not there anymore. I don't regret the last 4 1/2 years of my life, and I don't regret our relationship. I have learned SO much about myself, about what I want (and mostly what I don't want), and how to communicate, as a result of our relationship.

But if I thought I had baggage entering that relationship, I have a whole hell of a lot more now. I finally felt comfortable enough to voice to my mom that I was seeing a therapist for a few months, that I have not been diagnosed because I haven't seen a doctor, but that I firmly believe I have Secondary Traumatic Stress. And I told her about the manifestations of it for me. The ridiculous urge to flip someone off a few days ago, when the poor guy was just sitting at a red light. How hateful and negative I am now. How judgmental I am. My lack of ability to sympathize/empathize.

And I feel so much better. It's like I told Victoria earlier - a load has been lifted off my shoulders just being out of that toxic relationship. And I feel even lighter now that I've talked to Mom about it. She listened without judgment, and did everything I needed her to do. She even suggested I see a therapist again, which I have considered.

For the first time, I told my mom that Kyle had tossed me around. I told her that when I turned him down for sex, he shoved me across the room and into the corner of his desk. I told her that I've raised a hand to him before. I told her that I've had dreams that I shot his mother (hilariously, more than once!).

I got a lot of things out that I'm not proud of, and a lot of things that needed to be said. I couldn't be happier.

I love my mom! (Too much to add her on facebook. :P ) I am so thankful that my family always supports me, no matter my decisions. I am so lucky to have a mom as amazing as mine. I am so grateful to be born into the family that I was. And I'm excited to go visit them for Christmas!

Ironic that "Kiss with a fist" - Florence + the Machine just came on my Pandora station? Perhaps. I realize that's satire, but I am so glad I don't subscribe to that mindset any longer. A kiss with a fist is not better than none. It took me long enough to realize that, but I couldn't be happier that I did.

I'm off to be an old lady before bed. I have some dishes to put away, some clothes to fold, and a comfy bed waiting! I have to work again at 10 in the morning. Ciao!

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